If you needed further confirmation that we are living in the most cursed timeline, former foreign minister Julie Bishop has singlehandedly yassified iron ore and lithium in a truly bonkers promotional video for her new job at a mining company.
In essence, the video is meant to be some sort of employee induction situation where Bishop harps on about how fucking amazing it is to work at Perth-based Mineral Resources Limited. But it’s also a mind-bogglingly terrifying journey into the mental space of a girlboss PR company with an advertising budget that could knock over a horse. And it goes for nearly seven whole minutes.
The vid starts with a closeup of a fluffy bathrobe with a “JBish” monogram and the woman of the hour taking off a silk eye mask.
And before you can say “manganese”, she’s whipped off that robe to reveal a shiny pink suit that would make Elton John cream his jeans.
“Your day at MinRes… starts now!” she says with a sinister smirk.
She takes us on a tour of the MinRes building as jingly, chirpy music that wouldn’t be out of place in a sixties sitcom plays in the background. You won’t guess what happens next: she fangs down the street in a Tesla.
Grey’s Anatomy star Kate Walsh fights with Bishop over a hair curler. West Coast Eagles player Jeremy McGovern is teaching random children how to play football. A psychologist is standing on his head. Julie changes into a leather jacket for five seconds. The clip has pretty much everything but actual mining.
The phrase “you can get here by bike ORE by bus” is uttered with enough smug to fill a Vaucluse swimming pool. The barista hands Bishop a coffee that’s “70 per cent Brazilian, 30 per cent Ethiopian and 100 per cent Julie.” Bishop walks up to the IT expert to ask him if she can change her phone cover to fuschia. It’s a lot.
The girlbossification of mining is something I never thought I’d have to witness with my own two eyes, but here we are. Ma’am, you already have a cursed #Girlboss Barbie made in your likeness. Was that not enough?