Streaming services like Netflix and Stan have cottoned on to the fact that punters love a corny Christmas flick and they’ve acted accordingly by dropping a bunch of cheesy movies during the holiday season.
[jwplayer xCDzqVIu]
But when you’re dealing with the lowest denominator of film (yes, Martin Scorsese, there are worse things out there than Marvel movies), you’re naturally gonna deal with unwatchable BS, such as Netflix’s Christmas-themed spinoff of A Cinderella Story, A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish.
I think my biggest gripe with the movie is that they had the nerve, the AUDACITY to even associate with Hilary Duff’s 2004 masterpiece.
We must protect A Cinderella Story (2004) at all costs
When I was tasked with recapping the movie with my lovely colleague Vanna, I put an evening aside to suss it out.
My boyfriend agreed to watch it with me ‘coz we both love corny Christmas movies AND A Cinderella Story so it sounded like it would be right up our alley.
But legit, after like 7 mins of us both silently watching in shock, I said: “No pressure by the way, I can totally watch this at my desk.”
And he said, “Ok, thank fuck,” and we switched it off and watched the OG movie – which made getting through the rest of the thing on my lonesome that much harder after being reminded of how bloody brilliant Hilary’s flick is.
Anyway, strap yourselves in and have a go at what me and my mate Vanna had to say about the movie that’s so cheesy, I, a soft cheese connoisseur, have been rendered lactose intolerant.
MATTY: First of all, I’ll give the movie one thing: they nailed it with the talent. Laura Marano is the main chick in Austin & Ally (a Disney show with Ross Lynch, huge with the yoofs) and Gregg Sulkin (yes, that’s Greg with two gs) was in Wizards of Waverly Place and Marvel’s Runaways.
So that’s what made me think that maybe it wouldn’t be half bad…
… I was wrong
VANNA: I was thinking it was like a bonus Disney episode but yes, wrong.
There was more originality and creativity in my lunch today than there was in this whole film, I feel like we should let our readers know this, right off the bat.
MATTY: Yes, absolutely. Be warned, it’s a pile of reindeer shit. Although that’s literally what you expect from these kinds of movies.
But usually the movie is at least cute or wholesome enough to be enjoyable but the gaping plot holes and unrealistic nature just didn’t do it for me.
VANNA: Yeah there is not even an element of guilty pleasure that makes it so bad, it’s good. Its just a sad and numb movie.
MATTY: The opening music was promising, like the jingley vibe with her voiceover… and then came the song and dance number. Dear god, the song and dance number.
VANNA: I made my 12 year old brother watch it with me, who asked me “Is this what drugs are like?” in the opening sequence.
MATTY: If so, Woodstock was a big ol’ waste of time, let me tell you.
MATTY: I feel like the point of narrating the opening credits is to explain the back story but I was lost for a while.
It took them ages to explain that the parents had passed away.
And they never explain how the mum and dad died. The OG literally showed the earthquake where her father was killed which gave context, this was way too vague so it was hard to care, ya know?
VANNA: Absolutely, for a simple as shit movie, I was very fucking confused for the first 30 minutes, I thought I had missed something. But it really was just that simple and i had overcomplicated it in my head.
MATTY: Also why were there like four song and dance numbers in the first like 10 minutes, is this a musical?
VANNA: I think so? Just with heaps of songs, then no songs for ages.
Why are they singing together??? What is wrong with you people!
VANNA: But can we talk about how they didn’t recognise each other ‘coz he had a Santa beard on, and she had her elf ears and pink wig on?
MATTY: YES! It really pissed me off that they couldn’t recognise each other, but then again Chad Michael Murray didn’t know that Hilary Duff was Cinderella and all she had to disguise herself was an eye mask, so…
VANNA: Yeah, like I know this is the whole foundation the movie was built on but it was UTTERLY ridiculous. Going off this logic, how would anyone recognise their loved ones if they dyed their hair?
MATTY: Also didn’t they ever cross paths on their way to a change room or something? Did they literally rock up to work in costume?
Since they had the hots for each other, wouldn’t any sane person change out of their lame ass costume as soon as work was finished so their crush could see them looking normal?
These people have no game!
VANNA: Well, I would have kept the elf costume on, it was pretty sexy.
MATTY: I mean, that’s true for her but definitely not for him. Also how can Kat’s friends think Santa’s hot when ~apparently~ no one’s seen him without a beard and fake belly? Are they into daddies or has Kat been the only one who hasn’t seen him out of costume?
MATTY: And another thing: he’s literally the CEO’s son, as if he wasn’t getting special treatment. Everyone would’ve at least been alerted to the fact that the boss’ son works with them so they don’t, I dunno, knock off leftover candy while he’s watching or backhand misbehaving kids.
VANNA: The one thing I liked about the movie was that she became a viral meme ‘Starbucks girl’ and she struggled with the embarrassment of that.
MATTY: Yeah totally, the 2019 Cinderella aspect definitely worked. And in terms of dialogue, it’s smack-bang on the cheese level that you’d want it to be. Not too cheesy but cheesy enough to make you cringe with delight. I dig.
VANNA: But the craziest part of the movie is her family.
MATTY: Absolutely. So many plot holes and unanswered questions regarding her family.
The stepfamily definitely murdered the parents
VANNA: It felt like everyone who was working on this movie needed to pee and they were trying to get this done RIGHT NOW.
MATTY: Oh absolutely. The biggest example of this is the main chick. I dunno if she’s just a shitty actress but she didn’t loathe her step family enough. Hilary Duff was snide. WHERE’S THE SNIDENESS!?
Like that scene where the stepmom literally calls her dad “pathetic” and she just sighs and walks away like “ah well.” What the fuck? Hilary would’ve legit decked Jennifer Coolidge (or at least Regina King would’ve).
Then they destroy the snow globe he gave her and she says literally nothing.
VANNA: I know, what the fuck. Just woeful acting. It was almost inspiring, in a way. Like I could be an actress too. I said to my little brother, “See River, you can be anything you want.” These people are, and they are crap.
MATTY: I’ve always thought this. You legit don’t need any talent at all to do a Lifetime or Christmas movie.
Oh! And how excruciating was the scene where Dominic wanted them to remove their costumes but Kat didn’t want to ‘coz she didn’t want to lose the “magic.”
Bitch, you didn’t even know what he looks like! How do you even know if you like him?
And it was so annoying how he literally had his hat, wig and mo off and she still couldn’t figure out that he was this guy she was supposedly obsessed with.
VANNA: And how quickly everything moved at the end too. His dad bought her an apartment, said don’t worry about expenses, he was her boyfriend etc etc.
MATTY: Yeah that all unravelled way too quick. It was a really poorly written conclusion.
VANNA: Just OTT, cheesy shit. Not planned out. Devoid of any passion or thought.
Literally 0/10 christmas stars from me, and that being generous.
I have a feeling that you and I are going to be the only people who watched it.
MATTY: I reckon people probably had my way of thinking: They popped it on for like 10 mins, saw the crap they were in for, then got the hell out of there and watched Hilary’s A Cinderella Story. Not a bad plan, IMO. And ya know why?
