Christ alive, I don’t even know where to begin with this yarn. It was a Saturday night and I was playing Animal Crossing – the usual. I thought, hey, let’s see what’s trending on Netflix, and noticed that for the – I don’t know – fifth or sixth day in a row, a Polish movie called 365 Dni (Days) was #1 on ‘Top 10 In Australia Today’. At the time of writing, it still is. So I watched it. And I just – what the shit?
Seriously, it’s still number one.
So from its title page alone I knew it was going to be a horny movie. It is beyond horny, by the way. 365 Days is the most sex I’ve had in iso, but I’m not here to talk about the sex. I’m here to talk about the plot.
Hot Italian mafia boss, Massimo, kidnaps hot Polish sales director, Laura, and tells her she has 365 days to fall in love with him. The only reason this movie is not a horror movie is because Massimo (Michele Morrone) and Laura (Anna Maria Sieklucka) are both very, very hot. And Massimo is very, very rich. And about 90 per cent of the film is set against the backdrop of stunning Italy. It’s an erotic, softcore fantasy and none of it is realistic. I’m not about to kink shame you if this is what floats your boat, but you’ve got to admit the plot is on another level of batshit.
That yacht scene was a big HOO BOY though.
If you haven’t watched the movie or simply wish to relive how stupid it is, here are some selected highlights. I use that word loosely.
1. “Baby girl”
Every single time Massimo called Laura baby girl in English, I wanted to cry. It probably sounds sexier in Italian or Polish, but in English, it is the equivalent of “dirty toenail” to me.
The first time we hear it is when Massimo and Laura officially meet. She’s trying to find the bathroom in this luxury Italian resort, but runs into Massimo instead.
“Are you lost, baby girl?” he asks her. Those are the first five words he says to her. Who says that? WHO.
2. HE KIDNAPS HER
I just – I didn’t watch Split and think, “Fuck yeah, James McAvoy, that’s hot”. Massimo full on kidnapped Laura. He got one of his muscle men to corner her and sedate her. HE HAD HER DRUGGED. And we’re supposed to look past this because he’s rich and hot. It’s a fantasy, I get it. But HE HAD HER DRUGGED.
3. Laura’s portrait?????
Massimo became obsessed with Laura five years ago, when he spotted her at a beach in Italy… from afar… using binoculars.
Then Massimo got shot and, as he bled out, all he could think about was Laura. So then he spent five years openly trying to find her. His ex-girlfriend, Anna, knew all about Laura because he told her the whole story. He also has this giant portrait of Laura in his mansion on full display. It isn’t hidden in his room or attic, it’s in his living room.
Who painted it? How did they paint it? Did Massimo hire one of those people that do police sketches? Did none of his muscle men / fellow Mafia people tell him, “This ain’t it, chief”?
Right after Laura sees the painting, Massimo appears behind her and says – you guessed it – “Are you lost, baby girl?” And then Laura faints because she has a bad heart and her bad heart did not appreciate the sedative. I’m not making this up.
4. Massimo watching Laura sleeping
See also: Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray. I don’t know if this is a thing that people find attractive or ~ mysterious ~ or whatever, but Massimo just randomly watches Laura sleep on multiple occasions. I hate it.
5. The lion portrait
So about halfway through the movie – at a hotel somewhere – Laura heads to Massimo’s room. Inside she see this big ass portrait of Massimo and a lion. I honestly laughed so hard. I mean, look at it.
Hahahahahaha, fuck.
Anyway, this is the same scene where Massimo ties up Laura, and then Massimo gets a blowjob from another woman while Laura watches, and then Laura tells Massimo she wants to fuck, but then Massimo lets her go instead, and then they go to a night club. That’s literally what happens.
6. The Ending
A pregnant Laura is assassinated by a rival mafia group. That’s it, that’s how the movie ends.
To be fair, I sort of skimmed through the final 20 minutes of the movie – it was doing my head in. BUT, Laura does end up falling in love with Massimo and they get engaged. I’m pretty sure she dies though. Well, she dies “off-screen” and Massimo cries.
Look, there are probably more than six stupid moments in this movie, but I’d need a wine before watching it all over again.
