I’m sure someone out there is reading this, feeling like I take far too harsh a stance on Australia’s rare albino whale, Migaloo. Maybe it’s because I called him “supreme dickhead of the sea”. Maybe because once I said he was a fat white fuck.

It is true that I am harsh on Migaloo, but it’s also true that he is a fat white fuck and a supreme dickhead. I simply speak the truth.

I’ve gone over this before but in case you’re new to the Migaloo saga, I’ll say it again. The bastard constantly appears for like 0.000002 seconds, to one random boatload of whale watchers, before disappearing into the ocean, probably emerging at 1am when no one will see him. People predict his re-appearance. He doesn’t show. They predict it again, he doesn’t show. On and on and on.

Considering scores of whales just cruise normally along the Australian coastline twice-yearly and do their cool jumpy-uppy water splashy thing for us human plebs, it just seems rude that Migaloo not only refuses to entertain us at all, but takes it a step further and taunts us with his potential presence. Just be elusive and remain as such, Migsy! If you don’t want to show off for the humans, don’t do it EVER. This is all I ask.

Naturally, given it’s whale season, that bloated bitch is back at it with his usual bullshit of teasing sad humans, except it’s 2020 and honestly, Migaloo, NOT THIS YEAR. READ THE ROOM, BUDDY.

The report of 2020’s first sighting comes from his own fan club, who really need to wisen up a little here. Honestly, don’t they tire of constant disappointment? It’s like making a fan club for a fuckboy.

I will give Migaloo this. He is beautiful. He is majestic. He is flawless. As are many despicable human beings and animals. In fact, it’s usually the beautiful ones who are the worst. He probably knows how gorgeous he is and all of this behaviour is simply arrogance stemming from his good looks. Unacceptable.

You might say I am simply salty about that time I ventured all the way down to La Perouse in Sydney to cop a glimpse of Migsy, only to be let down when he didn’t appear. You MIGHT say that. You also might say that I am a hero for speaking the hard truth, cutting through the fantasy you have in your mind that you too may someday get your own Migaloo sighting.

YOU WON’T. LET THE DREAM DIE.

What’s that? You refuse to and would like to willingly live your life as Migaloo’s doormat? Fine – it’s predicted the shithead will be cruising up past Sydney in the next few days, and near Cape Byron around Wednesday. But like I said, he’s a prick so he’ll prob show up in like, fucking HOBART just to fuck with us.