We Ranked A Bunch Of Whales Based On Sketchy Criteria Like “Looks Smug” And So On

Contributor: Nicole Townsend

From reducing emissions through the food they eat, to excreting the nutrients that encourage the growth of phytoplankton and marine algae (responsible for producing a large amount of the oxygen we breathe) in their colossal poos, our prehistoric whale mates are out there doing us a solid. Yay, whales.

So in the spirit of providing information absolutely nobody asked for, here are the top 10 whales in my honest and completely biased opinion.

10. Beluga Whale

*vomits in mouth*

Imagery is required to justify my ranking of the Beluga Whale. Just look at his fucking face, why is he so smug? What secrets does he keep? I don’t know, I love all whales, but if I had to choose one blessed sea mammal to be at the bottom of the barrel it would be Mr. Beluga based on the fact that he looks like he’d be a bad friend and a bad person.

9. Sei Whale

can you sei… get fucked?

When I appointed myself as the whale-ranking-expert I knew I’d have to spout some pretty harsh criticisms, so sorry in advance Sei Whale but you’re the basic bitch of the species.

There’s nothing wrong with the Sei Whale but there’s also nothing incredibly right about him either. Basically the Sei Whale is every guy I’ve dated lately; he’s OK but there’s definitely more interesting fish in the sea.

8. Southern Right Whale


The Southern Right Whale has one of the largest heads in the species, and as someone that never grew into their own melon I sympathise. Am I abusing my power by ranking a whale based on my own issues with my bulbous bonce?


7. Antarctic Minke Whale

xoxo gossip girl

The Antarctic Minke Whale doesn’t want to be in this article, he doesn’t like the attention. This baleen boy is super shy and tends to only kick around (metaphorically) in a group of 2-3. From November through to January the Antarctic Minke is commonly located in Antarctic waters (as the name suggests) – after that no one really knows where they go.

Minkie earns a modest ranking for his elusive energy.

6. Bowhead Whale

jaw beautiful

The Bowhead Whale has the biggest mouth in the animal kingdom which makes him look like he has a perpetual smile (or frown depending how you look at it). Let’s hope he’s an optimist because scientists estimate these whales live between 100-200 years; that’s a long time to have a glass-half-empty attitude.

I also personally empathise with a fellow 6/10.

5. Orca


I hear a loud ‘ya joking, should have been higher’ as I write this, and I feel that because Orcas are really cool – but they’re actually part of the dolphin family, my friends. Nevertheless, I’m the captain here and I think they deserve an honourable mention for being impressive and deceptively whale-like.

4. Narwhal


Is that a stray canine tooth protruding from your forehead or are you just happy to see me, Narwhal? Known as the unicorn of the sea, Narwhal is part of the Monodontidae family along with his cursed brother the Beluga Whale. Regardless of genetic grouping, you can’t be likened to a mythical creature and not be in the top five.

3. Sperm Whale

pls stop comparing me to penile discharge

Unlike most large whales, the Sperm Whale is considered a predator – he’s actually the largest toothed predator in the ocean. The Sperm Whale falls into the Odontoceti family like his controversial cousin the Killer Whale which means he has teeth; as opposed to a baleen whale which is defined by the filter-feeding situation they have happening in their mouths.

MYTH BUSTED: Sperm Whales aren’t called Sperm Whales because they look a bit like sperm. The name is inspired by a type of oil that they produce called spermaceti.

2. Humpback Whale

you’ll never see me rootin’

Tell me more about filter-feeding baleen whales, I hear you ask? The humpback whale feeds exclusively on small fish and crustaceans like krill, plankton, herring etc. and can be located in every ocean in the world (he doesn’t discriminate).

Humpback whales communicate through some of the most intricate songs in the animal kingdom and are wildly emotionally intelligent. They’re also reclusive when it comes to boning. No one has ever observed a couple of humpback whales doing the humpy rumpy.

1. Blue Whale

literal perfection

Hoo boy, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

Guys, the blue whale is the largest animal that has ever existed including dinosaurs, recorded at over 33 metres long and around 200 tons on the scale. Ironically the largest creature on earth feeds on some of the smallest. Like his baleen brother the humpback whale, he feeds exclusively on small fish and crustaceans, and plays a huge role in maintaining the health of our ecosystem.

Blue whales are endangered due to excessive whaling over the last few centuries, and although they’re now a protected species their biggest threat is still us – humans. They’re more likely to be harmed by a vessel strike, habitat degradation, pollution, entanglement and long-term changes in climate than by another ocean creature.

If you persevered through to the (whale) tail end of this article then I hope you’ve learnt something about arguably (fight me) the best animal in the world. What can you do to make sure they thrive in their natural habitat, I hear you ask? Pick up a piece of rubbish you see today, don’t pollute our oceans, buy sustainably caught fish and don’t be a fuckwit.

NOTE: Not being a fuckwit probably won’t help the whales but it will help you be a more agreeable person. You’re welcome.