I was really hoping Migaloo, the WORST creature of the sea, would perish up North somewhere (presumably because he was being a show-off and got accidentally stuck in an under-sea ridge), but no. The fat white fuck lives on, annoyingly.

In care you’re concerned about my mental health (it’s not good in there, if you’re wondering), I cannot stand Migaloo, the rare albino whale that drifts along the Eastern Australian coast twice a year. I can’t stand him because he is a taunting, show-off tease.

Supreme Dickhead Of The Sea, Migaloo, Is Once Again Making His Way Down The Aussie Coast
Credit: Getty Images

He pretends to be all cute and sweet, but really he is putting on an act and enjoys teasing us human folk with rare appearances, briefly popping up for like two people to see – on whale watching boats no less – before disappearing.

There is no rhyme nor reason to his appearances. Whale enthusiasts love to predict where Migaloo will emerge next, and he almost always just fucks us all over by, I don’t know, swimming really fast in the night so he bypasses the spot everyone set up their tents at or whatever.

Am I bitter because once I drove all the way down to La Perouse to catch a glimpse of his bloated beauty, only for him to skip the area altogether and head further South? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY I AM, MATE. I’ll hold this grudge forever!

You heard me, Migaloo. You can read, probably, because you’re that much of a smug cunt.

Also he’s not even that special? There’s like 5 white whales they’ve found around the world now. There’s even a Migaloo Jnr. It’s probably his kid and being the type of whale he is, he probably is a terrible father.

Anyway I’ve gotten ahead of myself. The anger has gotten the better of me here – what I wanted to tell you was, there’s a Migaloo update. If you’re stupid and don’t want to learn, you *could* try and see Migaloo in Sydney this weekend.

That is, if Whale Watching Sydney‘s predictions are correct (they aren’t). See, Migaloo was spotted up near Port Macquarie yesterday arvo, so they’re assuming he’ll be in Sydney waters by using their whale-knowing facts about distance shit that COMPLETELY DON’T APPLY TO THIS SOCIOPATHIC MONSTER of course, but who am I to tell them they’re fundamentally wrong?

Good spots to see whales in Sydney? The Gap down in Watsons Bay, La Perouse (RIP my experience there tho), and I don’t know where else work it out yourself. I’m so disappointed in you for believing in this dickhead.

Image: Facebook / Whale Watching Sydney