A friend of mine told me over drinks once that she was sleeping with a terrible fuckboy, but the most terrible thing about him was that his sex playlist was titled “Fuck Jams”.
Now, I know that essentially a sex playlist IS at it’s core a list of “fuck jams”, but nothing will close someone’s vagina up/deflate a dick quicker than spotting the term “fuck jams” on anyone’s phone. Simply put, do not title your sex playlist Fuck Jams.
It got me thinking, though. Firstly, just call your sex playlist something vague like ‘Tunes’ or ‘Chill’. Anything that isn’t Fuck Jams. But most importantly – so many people are fucking up their sex playlists and it just needs to be said, there are some songs that seem like a good time but are not, in fact, a good time when the rumpy-pumpy is going down.
1. Pony – Ginuwine
Do not EVER put this song on a sex playlist. Yes, it’s sexy. Yes, it’s about literal sexual intercourse. No, it is not hot in the bedroom. It’s weird, reminds everyone between the ages of 18-35 of being a kid and coming up with inappropriate dance sequences they then performed for their family, at the mortification of their parents.
2. Nikki Webster – Strawberry Kisses
I shit you not, Erin from my work swears she was getting down with someone when this song came on. “They swore it was because the playlist was on shuffle”. Ok but who is regularly listening to this tune in 2019.
This is also a good time to note – don’t put any playlist on shuffle. Lord knows what you added into that thing.
3. Anything By Afroman
I guess *someone* might be like “yeah dude this is heaps chill but also funny vibes to get down to” but it’s not. As my colleague Jack said “shit is weird to get freaky to”.
4. Get Down On It – Kool & The Gang
Again – it’s called “get down on it” but you should not get down on it, ok? It’s the song your parents put on when they have too many shandys.
5. Frank Ocean
CONTROVERSIAL INCLUSION! Look, Frank is sexy. Frank’s tunes are sexy. You’d think that makes for perfect sex music, but if you’re a straight male, let me tell you every woman hears Frank’s seductive voice and has a flashback to some fuckboy putting Channel Orange or Blonde on, then never texting back ever again.
In short, this is fuckboy music. If you wanna be a fuckboy, go for it. If you want to be NOT a fuckboy, avoid.
Again – fuckboy music. But like, a more aged fuckboy. Maybe once-divorced.
7. Enter Sandman – Metallica
This is from my mate Em.
“So I was going to bonetown with someone and it was already awkward from the beginning, it was a daytime booty call and they were in a weird mood when I got there. I was literally getting fingered and Metallica started playing and it was the biggest mood killer. They said it was a random Spotify playlist but I was dubious. I can’t hear Enter Sandman without thinking about getting entered.”
8. Fancy Footwork – Chromeo
This came from my boss Josie.
“Back when my bf was in a sharehouse we had to listen to music every time we boned, so we tried a bit of everything. We both really liked Chromeo and this album is such a mood, but it turns out it really isn’t for sexy time. At all. Something about the frenetic upbeat tempo of the songs meant that we were all out of whack with our sex rhythm, and it ended up being a massive boner kill for both of us. We still to this day joke about never listening to Chromeo when rooting. Great album, just not for the bedroom.”
9. After The Storm – Mumford & Sons
And also from Josie. DEAD.
“One time my boyfriend decided to just put a random indie music mix on his iTunes before we hit the sheets, and it was all fine until this mournful Mumford and Sons track came on. Something about the violins, Marcus Mumford’s voice and the line “And I won’t die alone / And be left there / Well I guess I’ll just go home” meant that I literally started CRYING after I came. My boyfriend was so confused, I went from happy orgasm person to weeping mess in 0.2 seconds. Never again will I let Mumford and Sons anywhere near my sex playlist.”
10. Sexy Bitch – David Guetta
And this is from my friend Nic.
“I went to a guy’s house (older than me, highly successful, wealthy, totally swooned me), he’s pouring me expensive French champagne, it’s all going well – then turns on the Sonos in his house… ‘Sexy Bitch’ by David Guetta featuring Akon blasting from the roof, the walls, the everything. I used to gyrate on podiums in the clubs to that song in like 2005. The fucking HORROR.”
11. 43% Burnt – Dillinger Escape Plan
I don’t know what this is but it looks intense. This is from my colleague Matt – in short, you might *like* a song but that doesn’t make it a sex playlist worthy song.
12. Spotify Ads
My god – I swear this isn’t a Spotify ad, but BUY FUCKING PREMIUM IT’S LIKE $11 A MONTH OR SOMETHING. At least, if you’re boning and you don’t have the $$ to buy it, don’t use it for background music. From my friend Jenna:
“I once slept with someone who didn’t pay for Spotify and as I was about to come the ads came on. I didn’t come.”
13. Candy Shop – 50 Cent
Legit my friend Gina had this happen to her – a guy honestly put on Candy Shop. Why? Who thinks “Candy Shop” when they think sexy music outside of the clerb?
“I just got really drunk and didn’t have sex with him, then left.”
14. The Halo Soundtrack
My mate Matt SAYS this accidentally happened but I don’t believe him. I think he genuinely thought the Halo soundtrack was sexy.
“I once forgot I had a song from the Halo soundtrack in my Spotify queue, she didn’t notice but I was struggling to keep it together.”
15. Yeah – Usher
I would say this story is fake too but my colleague Lav just genuinely always has these insane stories.
“A girl I used to work with once fucked a guy that could only have sex while ushers “yeah” played in the background and he also felt the need to sing along mid-thrust.”
W H A T.
16. The Top Gun Soundtrack
My friend Dan told me she knew a guy who thought the Top Gun soundtrack was the height of seduction, and I kind of get it???? Maybe if you’re like, being a jokester. I wouldn’t say no to “Highway To The Danger Zone” tbh.
Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t listen to me about your sex playlist then.Image: Pretty Little Liars