Whether you’re planning on cuddling up with a special someone, hitting the town or staying at home with your right hand, both your ears and nether regions deserve to feel the love this Valentine’s Day. With this in mind, PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s self-appointed horny music gurus Louis and Courtney deemed it extremely important to compile an official 2020 Valentine’s Spotify playlist – a playlist so arousing, so unashamedly filthy, that it’ll have you getting your freak on in no time.
From Doja Cat’s ‘Juicy’ to Kylie Minogue’s ‘Slow’, my contributions to the playlist are guaranteed stimulation-starters. Major throwbacks including D’Angelo’s ‘Untitled (How Does It Feel)’, Liberty X’s ‘Just A Little’, Ginuwine’s ‘Pony’ and Britney Spears’ ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’ will have you throbbing with horny nostalgia. Actually, come to think of it, the only thing greater than being highly aroused is being highly aroused and nostalgic.
Additionally, there was simply no way I could’ve created a proper Valentine’s playlist without Khia’s ‘My Neck My Back’ and Cupcakke’s ‘Deepthroat’ – the ultimate power anthems in totally unashamed, downright-kinky shit. We live.
And yes, you may notice a certain Luke Bryant making an appearance with this ever-thriving bop ‘Huntin’, Fishin’ Lovin’ Everyday’. Hear me out on this one – I reckon this would be the funniest song to come on mid-fuck, and it’d also be a great way to see if the person you’re bumping uglies with is a keeper…. if they laugh, keep ’em, if they don’t, chuck ’em. Simple.
Happy Valentine’s you horny rascals. Bless up.
Look I’ll admit that although I’m our Music Editor, I’m not hugely well-versed in Songs To Smang To. Instead, I thought about songs that make me feel particularly horny. Ones that as soon as I hear them come on my ass is on the floor in a slut drop so deep that I’ve split my pants in the past.
First up we’re going with Arctic Monkey‘s ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ because that album was the moment that I realised my wild-ass crush on Alex Turner, who had somehow gone from chavvy indie Brit teen to Man Who Absolutely Fucks. Hell, chuck that whole album on. It’s an album of Fuck Tunes.
Then we’ve got my favourite girl FKA twigs with ‘Two Weeks’. I mean this whole album is part of the eternal playlist for Horny Jail, but with lyrics like “I know it hurts/I’d put your first/I can fuck you better than her” I’d be remiss to omit it. Horny as hell. Also from the UK. What’s in the water up there, mates?
I would be absolutely kidding myself if I didn’t include the Mayor of Horn Town, Mr Chris Isaak. ‘Wicked Game’? You bet your sweet ass that’s a horny, slow fuckjam. There’s something deeply sexy about Chris’ deep vocals alongside that rolling bassline, it just makes me melt. You know what else is good for that and would back a perfect back to back listen? ‘Light My Fire’ by The Doors. Put that on and your clothes will probably just fall apart at the seams.
A horny playlist would be absolutely incomplete without some serious vibes from unashamed queens of fuckin’ like Cardi B, and her collab with SZA on ‘I Do’ is perfect for boosting yourself up, because yeah – you’re good at fuckin’. Own the shit out of that. Take control and be a brat if that’s your thing. Follow Cardi’s lead and say your own name during sex.
Like Louis said before, there’s nothing better than being highly aroused and nostalgic. That’s why you gotta work in ‘Let Me Blow Ya Mind’ from Eve & Gwen Stefani, and a bit of Missy Elliot – the eternally powerfully confident queen – with her 2002 deep cut, ‘Pussycat’.
And finally, as a yardstick to measure whether your chosen root is worthy of another ride after Valentine’s Day (or the first hook up), there’s only one person you can leave that up to; Mr Worldwide. Throw Pitbull‘s ‘I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) in the mix and see how they react. If they sing along to “One-two-three-four/Uno-do’-tres-cuatro”, you can leave the light on for them again.
So, what in the flaccid heck are you waiting for? Check out our official Valentine’s Day playlist below, and prepare for a wild journey of musical bumpin’ and grindin’. Eargasms aplenty.
It’ comes in at a total of 17 songs, so unless you’ve got a bad case of whisky dick/clit, you should be fine here.