One thing I definitely didn’t have on my 2020 bingo was Robert Pattinson not only doing a totally chaotic interview with GQ but showing off his hyper-bachelor-energy with a fully-microwaved baked pasta dish. If you haven’t experienced the peak-isolation interview as a whole, take a hot minute out of your day to read it before we dive into that cursed pasta dish.

It’s barely been live a day and R-Patz has been meme’d to high heavens, I’ve questioned if he’s alright considering he can’t seem to make any technology work for him, and what the fuck he was thinking putting foil in the microwave.

But, as I seem to be the Resident Crook Food Tester here at PEDESTRIAN.TV, I decided to put his “fast-food pasta” to the test, and see if it’s actually even any good.

Let me preface this by saying that I inherently believe that no pasta should be cooked in the microwave. Only reheated. Considering I now have to cook penne – because I cannot for the life of me think of what the other pasta he banged on about is – for eight minutes in the microwave, I’m already alarmed.

I gathered my ingredients for Robert Pattinson’s Piccolini Cuscino, which already felt like a chaotic jumble of items. Robert said that he usually uses breadcrumbs and a ‘messy hair bun’ pasta. Maybe not tomato sauce, but definitely a ‘red’ sauce.

robert pattinson pasta
Looks and seems normal, this.

Robert also created his little nest of pasta in a foil bowl and there is no way in hell am I putting foil in the microwave. No fucking way.

The pasta went into the microwave for eight minutes, despite every cell of my body screaming at me not to do that.

robert pattinson pasta
Ugh.

While that was cooking (?) away, I built the topping. Crushed-up cornflakes, sugar, cheese (two types!), tomato sauce, a little more sugar. This truly doesn’t feel right.

robert pattinson pasta
Is it normal for my stomach to be cramping at this point?

Without burning my hands on the pasta bowl as Robert did, I drained the (maybe cooked, who knows) pasta, and put it over the top of this mess. Popped a little more sugar on top, which pretty much melted straight away, and went to work on my bun. This is the vital part for Robert Pattinson and his pasta dream, because it’s the defining part that carves out the dish’s niche in the fast-food industry.

The bun makes it a pasta you can hold. In your hand.

robert pattinson pasta
Lightly torched, as per the recipe.

robert pattinson pasta
Looks ????

After squishing the bun down on top of the sugary pasta sauce mess thing, I put some more baking paper over the top of the bowl and a plate to seal it off. Because I’m still absolutely not putting foil in the microwave.

robert pattinson pasta
Godspeed, grot bowl of chaos.

After 10 minutes in the microwave, I got it out, flipped it onto another plate, and gently peeled off the baking paper. Let me note that at this point it doesn’t smell bad, but it also doesn’t smell…good. Like weirdly sweet and tangy, but with a strong cooked pasta/bread smell. Maybe a little bit of burning.

Et voila, Piccolini Cuscino á la Robert Pattinson.

robert pattinson pasta
Jesus wept.

This thing is…not good. The cheese had not just melted but reformed into a rock-hard binding agent. The sugar had basically turned to toffee. The pasta was chewy and somehow both undercooked and overcooked.

But one thing’s for sure: I could hold it in my hand.

robert pattinson pasta
At least one thing turned out right here.

Look, he’s gotta get points for trying. And I didn’t blow up my microwave in the process so I guess I’m already ahead here.

If I could make this again (which I probably won’t) I would go for a passata instead of tomato sauce. I’d cook it for much less so it didn’t harden and turn into a dome of toffee, hardened cheese, and chewy pasta. I’d use a bigger bun. I’d cook the pasta properly. And I’d use actual breadcrumbs. Oh and none of this will be microwaved. At all. Ever.

Someone tell Robert Pattinson to only cook pasta on a stovetop, please.

robert pattinson pasta
The hardest part was trying to eat the fucken thing.

Anyway, that’s that done. Now to put it where it belongs and never speak of Robert Pattinson’s faster pasta ever again.

robert pattinson pasta
Bye.