There are few things as satisfying as the lil’ dribble of juiciness that escapes the corner of your mouth when you take a big ol’ bite of a burger.
If you’re chowing down on a bun of fun and don’t require several napkins post-bite, you’re simply not eating the right burger.
There is a set scale of juicy joy that comes from eating fast food, and honestly we’ve spent many a year refining it. We’ve ranked the menu items from US-born chain Carl’s Jr. based on this highly scientific and utterly definitive scale, so really, you’re welcome.
5. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders
Chicken tenders are a pretty universally adored substance, enjoyed by most in front of the TV or while driving home on a long journey. A humble meal, that offers so much more than the sum of its parts.
But these tenders? These tenders deserve more than that. These tenders deserve a moment of silent contemplation as to how a simple piece of hand-breaded chicken can be so bloody good.
Napkins required: A respectable three (one for each hand and then your face).
4. Mocha Hand-Scooped Ice Cream Shake™
Oh, you thought that a simple beverage couldn’t get you going? Couldn’t make you sit back in your chair and softly swear, amazed that such a thing of milky goodness could exist in this crazy, crazy world?
Gather your favourite curses coz you couldn’t be more wrong, friend. The mocha flavour will wake you right up and hoo boy, just cover us in whipped cream (mind out of the gutter pls). It’s only around for a limited time, so get your guzzle on.
Napkins required: Five, because you’ve slurped aggressively and it’s gone everywhere.
3. Guacamole Bacon Thickburger™
Excuse me but would you please just stop whatever the heck you are doing and appreciate the utter beauty contained in this single photograph – perhaps one of the most saliva-inducing images you’ll see today.
Even the name makes us feel like we’re in for something big. Thickburger™. We’ll have twelve each, and we’ll naturally request extra guac because we’re not complete animals.
Napkins required: Fashion yourself a napkin bib to truly appreciate this hulking beast.
2. Western Bacon Cheeseburger™
Ah, the simplest things make us so happy. Bacon. Cheese. Burgers. It’s not much to ask for, really. Just the sizzle and juices that our achingly hungry hearts crave.
The onion rings and tangy BBQ sauce on this bad boy drive it way up the list here, because when you sense greasy goodness you know for damn sure that a BBQ is nearby. Gotta love a bit of sauciness to sink your chompers into.You can even make it a double if you dare, with twice the meat and cheese for those with the biggest and boldest of stomachs.
Napkins required: We’re verging on full-on napkin attire now.
1. Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger™
The champion, the king, the all-time legend. Philly Cheesesteak in burger form, just begging for you to slurp up the juicy burgery goodness. This brand new burger isn’t one you can eat around your conservative ‘rents, coz you’ll be swearing in disbelief all over the joint.
We’ve run out of words for this one because our mouths are all too busy struggling to contain litres upon litres of saliva all generated from the sight of this burg. It’s only around for a limited time though, so get sauced up ASAP.
Napkins required: Those old horror movies where the evil Mummy seems to be wrapped head-to-toe in a bunch of paper are totally instructional.
If y’all want to get your grabby hands on any of these grease-giving goods then you’ll wanna check out Carl’s Jr. at one of the locations listed below. More are gonna show up soon so, ya know, follow ’em on their socials to keep track (Australia could defs use a bit of a burger shake-up, don’t ya think?).
If you’re QLD-based you can check out Carl’s Jr. at Eagleby, Pimpama, Hope Island, West Ipswich, Redbank Plains, Brisbane Airport or Rothwell (opening mid Dec). Folks from NSW can visit Bateau Bay or Glendale (opening mid Dec) for their juicy burgs, while SA gets the goods in Mount Barker or Kilburn. Finally, VIC burg-hunters can get a fix at Knox or Cranbourne.
In the meantime, pls excuse us while we stare at our screens with drool hanging out of our mouths.