We all know regular dairy milk is the devil’s juice. But what about non-dairy milk? Which one is superior? Well, I recently started drinking oat milk and I can’t believe I used to drink anything else. It’s quite literally heaven and everyone needs to convert to this superior milk ASAP.

Look, I love the devil’s juice. If I could drink it every day in my morning coffee, I would. But I’ve named it after satan for a reason, and that’s because my lower intestines feel like they are performing an exorcism whenever I drink it. Because of that fact, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life trying all the non-dairy milks I could get my hands on.

I started off with almond milk and look, it’s ok. It was all the rage in 2015 and I wanted to feel like a middle-aged caucasian woman. But alas, the taste just isn’t there. It’s not creamy enough like regular milk, and unless it’s a high quality brand like Milk Lab – it literally tastes like butthole.

I then discovered soy and I quickly became a convert. A soy latte was my go-to for years, followed by the underrated soy cappuccino. I really thought soy was my end-game milk. I thought I found the one.

It froths better, it compliments the espresso shot well and it’s better than almond. But there are some drawbacks. Soy milk is very easy to burn and burnt soy milk is the equivalent of eating dirt. I’d argue it’s even worse than a low-brand almond milk. It’s undrinkable.

What’s even more disgusting is that burnt soy milk can turn into this mysterious clump of soy. Imagine drinking coffee and then suddenly swallowing a strange clump. I hate it and I actually feel emotional thinking about it right now.

Again, soy milk is very brand dependent. I’m that annoying person who asks the barista what soy milk they use. I’ve literally walked out of a store because they use Vitasoy. Sorry, but I’d rather drink diarrhea.

Then one day, I noticed a few of my friends started to order oat coffees and I was intrigued. It was hard enough for my pea brain to understand how almonds could be milked without little almond titties. But oats?? No way.

But I gave it a red-hot crack and I genuinely think I saw God. He was dressed in a duck suit and wearing sunglasses. Oh wait, on second thought, I think that was actually just the Minor Figures oat milk logo.

What I love about oat milk is that it’s creamy and has a really pleasant aftertaste. Look, it’s no dairy milk. But I’ll take oat milk over cow’s milk with a side-order of shitting my pants any day of the week.

I am truly an oat milk convert, and I STRONGLY encourage you to throw your almond latte or soy flat white into a bush somewhere or into oncoming traffic (please don’t actually do that though) and drink oat milk instead. I have no reasoning other than it tastes better, and it’s somehow cooler.

Almond and soy have a weird stigma attached to them. Perhaps it’s because people used to associate those milks with the vegan movement of five years ago? But oat milk is the new kid on the block and carries none of that stigma.

Oat milk is the superior non-dairy milk, bitch.