I do love an Australian platter. Whenever I go to a house party, I bring a “Kath & Kim cheese board” which consists of cabanossi, those cheese squares, Jatz and sliced pickles, for example. Our culture might just be “bogan” but goddamn do I love it.
So when I saw this Australian platter Reddit user CityOfTheMoon17 made for their co-worker, who recently became an Aussie citizen, I thought – what a beautiful thought.
Aussie platter I made for my co-worker who officially became an Australian citizen last week. Not pictured- the cob loaf and cheese and vegemite scrolls that were devoured immediately.
by u/CityoftheMoon17 in australia
But then I looked closer. And friends, I have some THOUGHTS. Some OPINIONS. Some QUERIES. A few proverbial BONES TO PICK.
Here it is, my time-consuming dissection of this Aussie platter.
1. Mersey Valley
You can stay, Mersey Valley. There is nothing more Australiana cheese-wise (besides the Bega cheese squares) than the crumbly, weird bad boy that is Mersey Valley. For some reason I both hate it and deeply love it?? It’s like an when an ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend, you don’t want them but you also can’t imagine life without them. NO I’m not talking from current lived experience YOU ARE. I never want the Mersey Valley, and yet whenever it’s on a cheese platter, I consume 50% of it.
2. Caramello Koalas
YES, obviously Caramellos have a strong place on an Aussie platter. They are Koalas. They are also delicious. Approved but only if you eat the entire head off first and then suck out the insides (what is wrong with me).
3. Freddo Frogs
On the other hand, Freddo Frogs can get fucked. Don’t get me wrong, they are delicious as hell. But do they belong on an Aussie platter? I just feel the answer is no here. They aren’t an Australian animal. Better would be to get those Animal Friends choccies, what are they called? FURRY FRIENDS. Go get some of those.
4. Fairy Bread
Yes, yes, 1000 times yes. Remember when America was really confused about Fairy Bread, and then we all realised it is kind of weird to slather white carbs with butter and put sugar on top? But also delicious and not simply a kid’s party snack?
5. Twisties
What??? Again, nothing against Twisties – delicious treat, would love some right now actually. But how on earth do Twisties represent Australia here? Honestly, go get some tomato sauce chips or something. Salt & Vinegar, anything else really.
6. Lamington Iced Vovo’s
HUUUUUGE MOOD, and well done for selecting the new iteration of Iced Vovos. I was almost going to cancel this choice because the OG is primo Australiana energy, but I do feel the Lamington version is a) fucking delicious and b) a combo of TWO iconic Aussie treats.
7. Jatz
I mean. Come on. They’re the Fritz Bernaise of cracker in Australia. A perfect choice.
That’s in case you didn’t get my funny there. It’s a good funny, you should start using it.
8. Cabanossi
Absolutely hard yes to the cabanossi, extra ten points if you picked it up from the Coles deli section.
9. That Beetroot Dip
Look, I’m in two minds here? On one hand, having a beetroot dip and “Chilli Red” means you’re at either kick ons or a bogan baby shower, and I enjoy both those energies and feel they’re peak Aussie. But on the other hand, *is* beetroot dip quintessentially Aussie? SHOULD it have instead been a very tiny version of this weird dip?
10. The Other Dip
It’s definitely not Chilli Red, so it already loses marks for that. I think it might be spicy capsicum dip, which is the HEIGHT of deliciousness but also, unfortunately, doesn’t really fit as Australiana.
11. Shapes Vegemite Crackers
YES, and also in a controversial statement I will say these are now my second favourite Shapes flavour, after Chicken Crimpies of course.
12. Rice Crackers
What??? No??? Although maybe it’s an option for some gluten intolerant person. I guess it can have a pass, but I don’t like it.
13. Any Of Those Fruit And Veggies
Absolutely fuck off with that. Aussies do not use veggies to dip with, they use Jatz or their fucking fingers.
