Close your eyes. Let your ideal Shapes flavour come to mind. Have you got it? Can you see the toasted cracker there in your mind, see all the flavour bits, the distinctive ridges of your particular favourite?

NOW SET THAT THOUGHT ON FIRE IF IT’S ANYTHING BESIDES CHICKEN CRIMPY.

this little orangey delight, this little crimpy boi

There is no better flavour that the Chicken Crimpy. In fact, there is no time to be spared on any flavour besides the Chicken Crimpy. If, perhaps, the Earth exploded and I ended up on one chunk that was careening off into space, and in the one corner store that was on my chunk of Earth, there were only Pizza Shapes on offer, I could be OK with that. I guess. Pizza Shapes are fine-ish.

if there are lizards around though I’ll eat them instead

But they have nothing on the Chicken Crimpy.

First, there’s the shape. It’s an appealing shape, the Chicken Crimpy. It warms the cockles of the heart. Fuck those hexagonal BBQ Shapes and the intimidating fucked-up-stupid-hexagon of Pizza. The Crimpy is unassuming it it’s oval, ridged form. It wants to be your friend, then your lover. If you… had sex with a Chicken Crimpy… it would be a tender lover.

Let’s talk flavour. YES, YES – Shapes are “flavour you can see” and you can’t see any of the fucking flavour on the Chicken Crimpy. THAT’S THE POINT, GUYS. The Chicken Crimpy isn’t some show-pony parading it’s flavoursome flecks around like some two-bit boofhead chump! The Crimpy doesn’t need bells and whistles to make it’s point. It will make that point in your mouth. And I mean that with all the innuendo behind it, thank YOU very much.

You can eat an entire box of Chicken Crimpies, because they are nuanced and delicate in flavour. You can eat like 10 Pizza Shapes and literally one BBQ Shape because they are the aggressive dickheads of the Shapes world. They are that person in the group chat who always has to chime in with a better story than whoever is talking. BBQ and Pizza Shapes do that thing at the bus stop where they come at the entry from the side so they don’t have to wait. They do not play the long game.

BBQ Shapes would be a selfish lover

I’m not even mentioning any other flavour by the way because they are worthless and stupid and should be thrown into the deepest part of the sea where those weird underwater fish can eat them, bc they don’t know any better. Savoury first.

If you’re saying to your phone screen, and therefore to me directly “but what about Dixie Drumsticks, they are superior to the Crimpy” NO. NO THEY ARE NOT. They’re a close second, but the Crimpy wins because the crackers are larger and the shape is kinder to the soul. GODDDD, guys I went through this. The Crimpy is the friend then the lover in shape, OK? What, you want to eat your cracker and have it be shaped like a badly-drawn chicken leg? That’s stupid.

I think we’re just about done here. I accept no counter-arguments. The end.

A RESPONSE FROM THE PEDESTRIAN.TV EDITORIAL TEAM:

Here at PEDESTRIAN.TV, we believe in giving our writers complete autonomy regarding their beliefs. We will not coerce any individual here to espouse an opinion that they themselves do not hold. Insofar as these opinions are not morally abhorrent or dangerous, we will allow them to be published without censure. Sometimes, though, we need to make it clear that an opinion stated by one of our writers does not represent the opinions of the editorial team as a whole. Specifically: unlike the rogue element who has written this blatantly incorrect piece, we believe that the Chicken Crimpy is a garbage biscuit and easily one of the worst of the Shapes family.

While we support Melissa’s right to pen this piece, we feel we must express – in the strongest of terms – that the Chicken Crimpy is like ash in our mouths. It is dirt. It is dust. A stark reminder of the lows to which human endeavour can descend. We would climb over a mountain of Chicken Crimpies for a single BBQ or Pizza Shape – hell, even a single Savoury Shape. The texture of the Crimpy is garbage. The taste? Worthless. The Chicken Crimpy is the ghost of a biscuit, left here to curse mankind. That anyone could taste the powerful delights of the Cheese and Bacon or Cheddar Shape and opt to put in their mouths the vile, hideous Crimpy is anathema to us. We must take a stand.

Signed,

The Rest Of The PEDESTRIAN.TV Editorial Team

Image: Arnott's