Sunday night’s crucial clash between the Collingwood Magpies and Carlton Blues may have been one of the most nail-biting games on the AFL home and away calendar this year. But there was something that made it all the more entertaining — an American guy in Chicago live-tweeted his thoughts about the sport as it was happening. I’m honestly obsessed with all of his wild takes on our gorgeous and ridiculous national game.
Jason Quist stumbled upon a stream of the game that had a nearly-full MCG up and out of its seats and decided to watch it to give his newcomer analysis on the match.
Hey @AFL don’t take this the wrong way, but Aussie Rules football is one of the most incomprehensible games I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’m determined to figure it out in this twitter thread. I just want you to know I’m doing my best but NO SPOILERS
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Look, the man’s not wrong. As someone who actually plays Aussie Rules football regularly, I am truly baffled by the sport at times. Sometimes even when I’m in the middle of a match and I’m just watching my teammates from deep in the forward line.
There are parts of this stunning sport that simply make zero sense but we just roll with it.
One thing Quist loved was the first bounce — something that must look simply borked without any introduction or context. I hadn’t ever really considered how dumb it must look to someone who’s never watched footy before.
First things first: this sport has the absolute best kickoff equivalent, where the ref just HAMMERS the ball into the center spot. I wanna learn enough about this sport just to do this: pic.twitter.com/t6WcoMuac1
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
WAIT THE REF GETS TO ALSO WING THE BALL OVER HIS HEAD TO INBOUND IT ARE YOU SERIOUS
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Quist’s following live-tweeted thoughts were exactly how I imagined them to be.
He was baffled at the size of the ground and how much players have to run and the obvious change in tactics when the ball’s in a team’s forward 50. He was also obsessed with the way footy players contort their bodies like cooked ballet dancers to try and kick goals.
Ok it seems like they call the end of the field the sweet spot, but then they have to Bend It Like Beckham to get it in a relatively narrow goal!
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Look some guy pulled off a shot that they call a ‘double bender’ and frankly he didn’t celebrate it enough
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Oh MAN this little tiny dude just climbed up the back of one of the Blues and now the Pies are right back into this
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Also there isn’t a lot of legal contact except for these rare instances (still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this) where someone is allowed to absolutely PASTE some poor SOB
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
I’ll give it to him — this is probably the most accurate read of AFL that I’ve ever come across.
I will say, I know a lot of meatheads see sports for the first time and go ‘i would be the lebron of this.’ I would NOT. These guys are angry all the time, probably because they’re running a marathon during a fistfight
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
It really is like running a marathon during a fistfight. It’s all limbs and hands and people grabbing at you while you’re trying to run and kick or punch an egg-shaped ball. Doing all that in the rain? Nearly impossible.
The best part of it? Jason Quist is gonna be back to haphazardly follow the finals series with his limited AFL knowledge.
Tough toenails, Felix, because in two weeks I am BACK for the @AFL finals! https://t.co/99ET34HkWz
— Jason Quist (@jasonmquist) August 21, 2022
Hell, get this man in the commentary box, he’d be more entertaining than Wayne Carey.
