We’re back baby! Week 2 of Love Island Australia for 2019, which means a fresh Love Island recap every goddamn day this week. Love Island recaps until I die, probably.
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I didn’t recap Friday’s episode because, frankly, I don’t work on Saturday! But nothing important happened. This show is like Days Of Our Lives, you can literally just jump in at any point and figure shit out. It was just like blah blah Eoghan likes Jessie blah blah Matt and Vanessa are a car crash.
Which is pretty much what happens this episode too. Let’s get into it, yeah?
So we start with Eoghan and Jessie having a chat – he’s telling her he’s finally decided his decision to couple up with her was a good one. Have I told you how much I hate this guy? I fucking hate this guy – everything he says sounds like “I am so sought after, you should be so lucky to have me Jessie”. When actually he’s just like a soft 5/10 as an overall package with temporary sexy long hair and a beard.
Jessie is thrilled to be selected as someone Eoghan deigns to spend time with, though.
The dude legit says “hopefully we can keep it going”. I just cannoooooooootttttttttt can you please all agree that Eoghan sucks a bag of dicks and a half? I’m not insane in this am I? He’s a tool?? Yes?? Yes.
Meanwhile Cartier has forcefully convinced herself she’s into Adam, which is a joke and a half. She talks a LOT about being turned on for someone who is like extremely born-again Christian, maybe she’s one of the ones who chooses to ignore that bit in the Bible where you’re not allowed to have sex before marriage. Or maybe she is going to perform a marriage ceremony on Adam while he’s asleep and then be like “surpriseeeeee hubby!”
She also tells Adam she’s punching which like????? What???? I’m not saying Adam is a hideous monster but surely we can all agree Cartier is at least on par with this guy. They have the most awkward fucking we’re-gonna-kiss-but-no-one-is-doing-anything period, fuuuck I hate watching people prepare to kiss, it is the most uncomfortable content in the history of content. Eventually, they do – a very chaste peck.
It’s a *bit* cute – Adam tells the camera he wants to take it slow until they’re coupled up. I still can’t buy these two but maybe they can convince me eventually.
Everyone goes to sleep, and in the morning the girls find “Love Island Times”, this primary school project of a newspaper that has a story about Maurice and his ex-girlfriend – it says they were together just 2 weeks before he entered the villa.
Cynthia is understandably thrown since she’s tepidly interested in Maurice, so she goes to wake him up so they can have a chat. He literally fixes his hair (!!!!) before he ventures outside. Incredible.
When he sees the newspaper he lets out this proper evil maniac laugh that lasts for way too long, then denies it all – he says the girl in question was just someone he was dating, which is fundamentally untrue because her Instagram is full of photos of them together looking mucho coupley, but you know – Cynthia can’t see that. She’s still suss, though.
Sam meanwhile is still banging on about wanting to couple up with Vanessa. He decides to grab Matt for a chat. Matt is sitting with Jessie and Cassie, seemingly watching Eoghan pull some elastic to show off his arm muscles.
Matt takes an Alpha Male stance:
I don’t even know why he bothered to talk to Matt, Sam literally asks him how he and Vanessa are going, and Matt’s like “good?” – I mean what did you expect him to say, Sam.
Sam goes off to chat to Vanessa and Eoghan takes his place, also flexing. They start some inane convo about being the Big Dogs and “pissing all over the yard” – what. Fuck me, I need some major dudes to walk in so these fuckwits can be put in their place.
Then they start bro-ing into eternity.
Then, because these men are neanderthals, they start fake punching on???
I actually love wrestling and this would be funny and endearing to me, if they weren’t the most repulsive human beings in Australia who were clearly doing it to piss all over the lawn as the Big Dogs.
Blah blah, Adam tells Cassie he’s taking it slow with Cartier, Phoebe tells the entire villa she’s into Cassie. Then it’s time for a game – based on some survey everyone did before coming onto the show, each islander has to choose which person they’re statistically most compatible with, and the least compatible with. Then they arrange everyone else in order.
Of course it gets tense – Vanessa selects Eoghan as her most compatible, naturally Matt cracks the internal shits and looks like his Nan died, so she then gives him the Heart-Eyes emoji instead.
In the end SAM is her most compatible, and she is loving this spicy turn of events.
The only other interesting shit that happens is that Anna’s perfect match is Matt, and Jessie tells the camera that everyone feels they should be together but no one is game to sideswipe Vanessa.
Then it’s business as usual, everyone sitting around ignoring sun safety by dipping themselves in a vat of oil and sitting in the sun.
Eoghan, because he’s like a heaps good boyfriend, tricks Jessie with words that aren’t French. She legit believes “banana” and “arigato” are french words which is alarming.
Meanwhile Sam pulls Vanessa aside for a chat, telling the camera he doesn’t care about the repercussions but also looking like he might do a little stress vom.
The chat is basically Vanessa saying she thinks Sam and her would work but she also thinks Matt is cool, and Sam being like “yeah fully, it sucks”. Also Vanessa is really going HAM with the Tradie undies spon. What the fuck is this cyclist outfit:
Cynthia is saying she feels something there with Maurice now, but the look in her eyes says “save me”:
Then it’s time for everyone to get ready for the recoupling ceremony. Adam first must spray himself in the eyeball with hair product.
Sophie shows up and everyone starts picking their person. Anna chooses Gerard, Phoebe chooses Cassie, Jessie chooses Eoghan, Vanessa chooses Matt, Cartier picks Adam and that leaves Cynthia Our Queen to choose between Maurice and Sam.
She has this long panic over who to pick, while Maurice stares daggers / sends mental brainwaves to wipe her brain so she chooses him.
She goes with ~her heart~ (aka her brainwashed mind) and chooses Maurice. BYE SAM.
Side Note: I have a podcast and you should listen bc I’m just as batshit on there as I am in this Love Island recap – All Aussie Mystery Hour, get on it.
