This may come as a surprise to novices such as yourselves, but PornHub actually has one of the most interesting data analytics operations on the planet. Through their (safe for work) analytics blog they publish the hard data on the world’s baffling sexual proclivities. Everything is about either sex or death, and they have half of that equation exhaustively documented.
Today’s post, however, is about both sides of the sex/death continuum. You may recall that Hawaii had a major nuclear scare on the weekend, thanks to someone accidentally triggering a real emergency alert instead of a drill. Well, PornHub have drilled deep into their site analytics at the time of the event, and the results are truly illuminating.
According to these maestros of streaming pornography, the number of Hawaiian users on PornHub dropped dramatically at 8:07am, when the alert was sent. Pray for all those who were caught mid-crank and told they were about to perish in nuclear fire. At 8:45am, when the correction was sent, numbers started to climb back to regular levels. Clearly, people were happy to return to their furious masturbation sessions, aware that they were no longer at immediate threat of being directly hit with an ICBM.
But then… at approximately 9:01am – perhaps when the adrenaline rush was either peaking or subsiding – Hawaiians turned to Pornhub in higher numbers than usual. Check the graph:
As per PornHub:
As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Those seeking further relief, headed back to Pornhub where pageviews surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am.
There we go folks. When you’re confronted with the grim spectre of your own mortality, and the sense that you are merely a speck in a great and unfeeling cosmos, subject to immediate obliteration at the whim of forces beyond your understanding and comprehension… you immediately go to town on your poor genitals. You churn hog like an absolute maniac. It’s understandable.
Hawaii: we salute you.
