As the third week of self-isolation comes to an end, there are precisely two things on my mind: Animal Crossing: New Horizons and sex.

I haven’t seen another human in far too long, and honestly, I’m not afraid to admit I’m a *little* sexually attracted to the fictional cartoon raccoon that I am forever indebted to.

Maybe it’s because I recently went through a breakup, maybe it’s because I have not seen another man in the flesh in nearly a month. Who knows. But what I DO know is that Tom Nook could get it.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Animal Crossing franchise, then Google’s “People also ask” section really sums up Tom Nook for you.

tom nook

Either a raccoon, or a man in a raccoon suit (which makes this slightly less bestiality-ish), Tom Nook is a capitalist villain who you are forever in debt to. He makes you do all his dirty work, we know pretty much nothing about him, and we worship him like a fucking god.

He is the overlord of your island in Animal Crossing, always on hand with a home loan offer or a suggestion about island life.

Tom Nook Could Get It
Daddy.

Naturally, as a sucker for a man in power, I am not ashamed to admit that Tom Nook is kinda hot. For the purpose of my fantasy, we’re going to assume Tom Nook is a human in a raccoon suit (a furry) and not an actual raccoon because I am not into bestiality. I repeat: I AM NOT INTO BESTIALITY. I swear.

But back to Tom Nook (aka Daddy):

  • He’s a man in power. HOT.
  • He gives me unconditional house loans, with no interest… ever. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t want to fuck your landlord if they did that for you. HOT x 2.
  • He would never ghost me, unlike many men in real life. HOT x 3.
  • The only other man on my island is a koala named Lyman who is kind of a cunt. Therefore, Tom Nook is hot by a process of elimination.
  • Not to mention, he is a stylish prince. The cardigan is a look. Don’t even get me started on the Hawaiian shirt. OOFT.

I have crunched the numbers here and by my calculations, Tom Nook is a certified babe. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just let Tom Nook enforce them (*cough* Daddy *cough*).

Tom Nook Could Get It

To justify the fact that I am not a weirdo with a strange sexual attraction to an animated raccoon landlord, I have compiled a list of other people on the internet who agree that Tom Nook could, in fact, get it.

I’m just saying what we’re all thinking here. Tom Nook is HOT. No, I will not be taking further questions at this time.

Image: Animal Crossing: New Horizons