There’s nothing more teeth-gritting than an irritating video game sidekick. They’re usually completely useless, but without a button for “I’m just going to the store for a pack of cigarettes” in most games, we’re stuck with ’em. Here are the worst of the worst.
NAVI, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME
For anyone who’s played Ocarina Of Time, there’s very little I need to say here. Navi, the ‘helpful’ fairy who ‘helps’ Link on his quest, likes to ‘help’ by offering hints by saying “Hey Listen! Hey Listen! Hey Listen!” repeatedly in a high-pitched voice.
Yes, these hints can be genuinely helpful if you have no idea where to go (and, that definitely happens on your first play-through). But the issue is that Navi is more incessant than Rita Ora’s social media presence.
On a side quest? Expect to endlessly hear “Hey Listen!” until you give in and have to scroll through her text dialogue, only for it to happen again in a few minutes. Or even if you’re halfway through climbing Death Mountain, Navi will tell you to head to the mountain.
Navi is a bilmp on an otherwise perfect game. Rather than remove/fix her in the 3DS version, Nintendo decided that Navi should also now tell you to “take a break” every half hour or so. Great.
Oh, and while we’re on Ocarina Of Time, Princess Ruto’s sheer brattiness is the best argument for the obliteration of all-things oligarchy. She forces you to carry her around a dungeon, gets frustrated when you lose her, calls you names then basically forces some sort of arranged marriage.
MR. RESETTI, ANIMAL CROSSING
That’s one angry golpher. If you’re an avid Animal Crossing player but you’ve never met the exasperated yet passionate Mr. Resetti, then you’ve never turned off the game without saving. When you do, next time you boot it up, you’ll step outside your house only to receive a lecture and a half about the importance of saving.
It’s kind of cute the first time, but it’s a lot of text to scroll through the next time. And the next. And the next. Even though he’s annoying as all hell, I don’t hate you, Mr. Resetti; I hate that I’ve disappointed you so many times.
ASHLEY GRAHAM, RESIDENT EVIL 4
In Resident Evil 4, you play as Leon, who’s tasked with rescuing the President’s daughter, Ashley Graham.
And while it’s not her fault she is CONSTANTLY captured by the zombie-like enemies, the game makes it damn hard to like her given the shrill, continual cries of “HELLLP! LEONNN!” and awful fashion choices. While there’s little positive to say about Ivanka Trump, even she would never tie a sweater around her neck while wearing a sleeveless turtleneck.
BABY MARIO, LOTS OF SHIT
Look at that smug fuck.
Sorry Boss Baby, but Baby Mario invented being a smug baby fuck. And while nothing stings quite as much as losing to Baby Wario in Mario Kart, ‘lil bub Mario is insufferable in Yoshi’s Island. As Yoshi, you guide baby Mario on your back through the world to get him to safety, and oh god he cries so much.
Never ever play it with the sound on: Nintendo, why did you think a soundtrack that’s 90% crying was a good idea? This is the opposite of AMSR:
NATALYA, GOLDENEYE 007
Natalya, you’re tearing me apart. In GoldenEye, you rescue Natalya, who is very very bad at not dying. Perhaps The Worst At Not Dying. Youtube creator Dark Pixel made a real life version of the game which pretty much shows exactly how frustrating it is. Why would you walk in FRONT of Bond. Worst Russian spy ever.
A special shout-out to literally every character in Star Fox, too.
Image: Nintendo/The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time
