Look, none of us are watching Married At First Sight for the damn fashion. We are not. We are watching it for the insane drama, the attention-seekers, and I like to think, the potential for actual love to emerge from all the dramatic, attention-seeking trash.
But fashion there is. And fashion I will write about.
I refuse to limit this to wedding dresses because guys! Men can wear hideous ill-thought-out suits, too! And good god, there is a lot of bad around. Whether these people are forced into these creations or if they choose them is beyond me, but just wowsers.
INES & BRONSON
Look, I’m generally extremely against the loo-roll wedding gown. It’s all very 6-year-old-Barbie-dream, y’know? But in saying that, this really suits Ines. I think the ruffly detail helps it go from blegh to sweet. I do wish the top wasn’t essentially a bikini attached to a belt, but you cannot have it all. You must be happy with what you are given.
As for Bronson, it’s all pretty simple and LOL KIDDING BRONSON PUT YOUR GODDAMN JACKET BACK ON, SON. I’m sorry but the vest thing should just be hidden away, if present at all! And like, are those pants CHINOS? I cannot with this, burn it all.
MARTHA & MICHAEL
Okay does anyone else think Michael is a massive babe? Do I just think anything with a man-bun is a massive babe? Look, track record: yes. Anyway, I’d like him to do that second button up but otherwise I do love me a navy blue-baby pink combo, so I rate this.
Martha’s dress is… OK look I have big boobs. I like to whip em out. It’s fun to have cleavage! Show it off! But also sometimes it makes me emotional showing my boobs? It gives me anxiety and I feel all hot and sweaty. Like when my grandpa is in front of me at my wedding, and he comes up to my boob height? You feel me here? Anyway, whatever, I’m not boob shaming I’m just talking about ME and MY ANXIETY ISSUES here. This dress makes me feel emotional and anxious. Aside from my own personal mental health problems – the whole top bit looks so tight and fitted, I mean she looks fantastic but is she getting enough air Y/N? Martha, can you confirm you are able to breathe, please.
DINO & MELISSA
Okay, don’t get all stabby on me but I really, really love a two-piece gown. Maybe it’s the “I’m a pretend bohemian” in me, but they’re just so whimsical and cute. I sort of wish her hair was more half-up, or all-up-with-some-loose-bits or whatever, but generally – Melissa – good stuff.
Dino you look like a ringmaster where is your tamed lion the end.
JULES AND CAM
I have mad love for fitted wedding gowns. I personally will never, ever wear one because I will 100% waddle down the aisle, trip over on the train and die. And/or I’ll do a slut-drop on the d-floor and rip the entire back open. This may/may not have happened to me in the past. Anyway, I just wish Jules’ didn’t have the Big Bird feathers coming out from the bottom there. Doesn’t need it, keep it simple and glam!
I LOOOVE Cam’s little flower thing (what are they called. I’ve forgotten. Oh well!), but mate what is WITH the giant checks? Why? Why are we doing this? Are you going to a board meeting in the 80s?
CYRELL & NIC
Ok Nic? This is great. Best dressed guy, IMO.
Cyrell? It’s like I WANT to love this, and I think if it was a LITTLE more fitted I would – but it looks slightly too big for her, no? A bit gapey on the hip area? Also it’s like they’ve done that graduated-embroidery thing but then got tired and just went “let’s just bang a bit here and there, eh? And a bit of this and there we go, mate”. I don’t know why this bridal designer is suddenly a 50-year-old VB drinking pub guy, but who knows how my brain works.
LAUREN & MATTHEW
Okay, I love this dress a LOT – I love it on Lauren, I think she looks like a princess but in the Kate way, not in the 80s-Fergie way, I love it in general – the lace is delicate and dainty, and the shape isn’t too poufy. But the fabric on the bottom just screams “mosquito netting” to me and now I can’t get this image out of my mind of Lauren announcing during their honeymoon “it doubles as a fly net over the bed! It doubles as a fly net over the bed!” over and over until everyone on the planet is dead. The fly net lives on, though.
Also, I SHOULD hate Matthews extremely blue suit, but I… don’t? Maybe it’s because I ate a LOT of sugar in the last half hour, but I just don’t hate it. He’s like classy Grover.
NING & MARK
Again, I am concerned Ning has not taken a full, deep breath for a very long time in this dress BUT the detailing is gorgeous, the shape suits her, it’s not my personal vibe but I think she looks pretty damn good.
Mark is very “does what it says on the tin” here, he looks like a groom, he’s being a groom, it is what it is. It’s the missionary position of groomswear.
SAM & ELIZABETH
Something about Elizabeth’s dress made it miss the mark slightly for me – I really like the shape and the lace overlay, but maybe it’s like… the bust height comes up a bit high? It’s not altered for her measurements perfectly? Guys I don’t know! I’ve never been married! Bridal gowns are like a whole other world. WAIT I think I know – it might be the colour. It’s too pure-white, like it should be more of an off-white or something. Or even a colour??? Like Elizabeth has this whole dramatic-style thing with her talon nails and makeup vibes, she would kill a non-traditional gown.
Also you could not wear this and slut-drop, as discussed with Jules’ dress. What’s the point if you can’t do multiple wedding d-floor slut-drops, I ask? WHAT IS THE POINT IF I CAN’T BOOTY-TOUCH THE GROUND?
Sam looked like he was going to explode out of his suit if he flexed one (1) pec, which is probably exactly what he wanted from a suit so good job, I guess.
HEIDI AND MIKE
I am SOOOOO obsessed with this HAIR on Heidi, I love big curls! I love them for a wedding! Wedding hair 100% does not have to be slick and neat, this is epic and I adore it. The dress is…
CROPPED. NO. NO NO NO NO NO.
I will never be on board with short wedding dresses, and I KNOW some people love them, and I KNOW some of you will say “it’s cute! It’s quirky!” and like cool that is your opinion, but mine is burn that thing on a pyre so it doesn’t rise again as a sentient being and curse us all.
MICK & JESSIKA
The front of Jess’s dress is a bit… odd.
Like weird pointy-boob with some sexy-Mary-Poppins neck bit. But from the back it’s real cute.
Like the spotty flouncy material is adorable and the necktie looks great, just if the front could be a biiiiit less halternecky? Or something? And a bit less concrete-boob with the formed bustier part?
Mick is a babetown and he’s a farmer or something, judging by his Instagram, and hot farmers are my JAM. I’m team Mickssika. Jessimick. Jesmickssika?