My friends. I come to you in an hour of great need. Not just my need, but the need of all self-invested people who participate in the civilisation we’ve worked so hard to build.
We cannot, as a species, allow the comeback of the low-rise jean.
Some of you reading this may be too young to remember the low-rise jean’s reign of terror. My sweet, summer children. How lucky you are.
You have grown up with your arses firmly encased in your pants, never once feeling the tell-tale breath of wind on your buttcrack, and the accompanying thrill of horror as you realised you have half-mooned the innocent classmate unfortunate enough to sit behind you on Grade 8 free dress day.
You’ve never known the shock and the stomach-shrivelling second-hand cringe of seeing a carefree coffee cart attendant accidentally displaying tufts of pubes over the top of her Jeans West hip huggers. You’ve never grown acquainted with the bewilderment that comes with a muffin top appearing out of nowhere to ruin the line of your favourite t-shirts.
Well, I have. I have been intimately acquainted with all of the above disasters, and I’m here to tell you he who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it. We CANNOT allow low-rise jeans to once again run roughshod over our hard-earned butt-and-crotch region security.
Too many butts died in the 2000s for the youth to just casually bring back low rise jeans, do you have no respect for your elders?
— Alanna supports the WGA (@AlannaBennett) December 20, 2018
Every woman I know is so stressed about low rise pants coming back, look what the runways hath wrought pic.twitter.com/8HQbPNZfdb
— Alanna supports the WGA (@AlannaBennett) December 20, 2018
i fear extra low-rise jeans more than i fear death itself pic.twitter.com/5JmR4YuzpG
— Lauren Petrillo-Saeed (@lauren_petrillo) December 18, 2018
Here are some of the things low-rise jeans want to take away from us:
- pockets that fit things
- zips that stay zipped
- the ability to tuck your shirt into your pants
- underwear that remains invisible, if you want it that way
- the freedom to eat a sizeable portion of carbs and remain fully encased in your lower garment
- and the right to have an arse that looks Good and not as though it has been lopped in half horizontally by a denim maniac
So my friends: just because you’re seeing low-rise jeans on Instagram, in fashion magazines, and on the runways of psychopathic designers, does NOT mean we have to let them win. For your sake; for my sake; for the sake of everyone’s buttcracks; please, I beg of you, let us stop this trend in its tracks. Comrades: resist the rise of the low-rise jean!
