Behold, The High-Rise Denim Thong That Exists / Crawled From Our Nightmares

Ah, festivals. For many of us, they’re less about the music and more about completely transforming ourselves into mermaids / cowboys / unicorns / bohemian princes and princesses. Look, fair enough! You pay the money, if you wanna flounce around with glitter boobs all power to you. It’s the right space to do it.

Naturally, fast fashion brands have cottoned on to the fact that we are all looking for wild shit to wear to all these festivals we’re heading to. Cue star shaped nipple pasties, dresses made entirely of sequin strips, and… these denim “shorts”.

Wait wait wait. Here’s the back.


Look, technically I think you’re meant to style these with chaps which… I get it. Ok? I get it but also I hate it.

They’re from Pretty Little Thing btw, who are known for making wild items you’d normally only see on Rihanna. And look sometimes we wanna dress like Rihanna! OK! And I fully accept that. And clearly so does everyone else.

I am fully, 10000% on board with doing whatever the hell you want. Like, whatever! Have fun! I support you buying these and wearing them to a festival and falling over in a mud puddle and having cute mud smears on your bot-bot. I do.

But that will not stop me from having a few realistic thoughts.

Thought one – an ant is going to crawl into your vagina if you wear these. It will. And it will lay an ants nest in your ovary and then you’ll be releasing small ant eggs instead of human eggs and one day, when you decide to have kids, you’ll have an ANT-HUMAN HYBRID AND RUIN THE WORLD WITH YOUR DEMON CHILD.

Thought two – the next big festivals are Coachella and Splendour. Wear these to Coachella and you’d best believe you’ll get sunburn of the bum-oley. Wear ’em to Splendour and enjoy getting frostbite of le asshole.

Thought three – what if you eat a bad prawn and then shit your pants. Hold that visual. Ruminate on it. End scene.

In short (lololol) – these are mad as a cut snake. They fucking are, admit it. But also – whatever, right? Wear assless denim shorts if you want. LIVE YOUR LIFE.