Distressing news has emerged today that may unsettle and disturb many of our readers. Lachlan Harris, a former aide and political operator to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, has penned a hate-fuelled rant that has a treasured fashion item in peril: the onesie.
A petition started by Harris on change.org today vehemently expresses his contempt with the all-in-one fashion trend and Gen Y in general, as he rages and requests for a ban of onesies altogether.
He puts it:
“Sure onesies seem cozy, and cuddly, and speak to all our yearnings for warm milk, and pooing without leaving bed in the morning, but no matter how hard you try and fight it, your baby days are over. I know the future is a scary place, filled with responsibility, work, and worst of all onesieless independence, but if you embrace it, you never know, you might just enjoy it.”
Ughhhhh, shut up, Dad.
Perhaps the recently spiked popularity of onesies—those of the Pikachu/anonymous animal variety, populating the punny ‘Twenty Onesie’ epidemic in Australia, and topping Ebay’s search list—are losing their sparkle and charm. The seminal crusting of its scrubby, polar fleece after a onesie’s first machine wash may just be a sad metaphor for its imminent expiry date.
But banning onesies, as an entire sartorial category, Harris? Well, that’s just the motivation of a sick, twisted bastard. Onesie’s aren’t just the novelty-costume wearing, lazy cos-player’s staple! They don’t just have the unique ability to guarantee an unflattering figure! They don’t just provide the kind of cuddling warmth that rivals a lover’s!
Onesies, as a concept, are essential, and their absence would provoke severe repercussions: what would Charlie from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia slip in to, if he were denied the basic human right of a onesie in the form of a greenman morph suit? What about the house painters, fire fighters and bomb squad technicians who don their onesie-inspired outfits daily—as a sense of duty? What about the scuba divers, the Ian Thorpes, the Cathy Freemans circa 2000, the skiiers, the dungaree-loving innocent citizens of the world? What about astronauts, Harris? What about astronauts?!
It seems like I’m not the only one who considers the ban an impractical, cruel hell on earth. Counter-acting Harris’ extremist views, a rebutting petition has emerged on change.org, aptly titled, “Lockie Harris and anyone born before 1983, stop petitioning Gen Y to stop wearing onesies”
They argue: “Grey haired fools lacking the requisite amount of activities needed to fill such a cold, dark existences should probably, like yunno, lighten up. Trying to harsh the harmless and hilarious buzz that is groups of young people wearing onesies whilst drinking and dancing is a sad and cold existence indeed.”
You can sign the counter-petition here.
