If we pretend for a moment that we’re all as impossibly talented and inherently perceptive as Sia and that ARIA Awards really do mean diddly squat, then surely it’s only because all their potential for meaning is exhausted before the show even has a chance to get off the ground during that time-honoured precursor to any awards ceremony worth its salt: the red carpet.
Yes, everything you’ve heard is true: you’re not getting any younger so let’s just cut to the chase. Below then is a selection of the clothes and conundrums that the big name players of the Australian music industry and some bewildered international guests found themselves in yesterday afternoon at a casino in Pyrmont.
First things first, Charli XCX visibly did not want to be there. After she was done presenting her award with Illy, she was like, ‘Wut who even are you, goodbyyeeee’. The caption from a photo she Instagram’d says it all really: “went to Australia. did a pose. aria awards.” Rude, tbh.
Not unlike a sexy children’s nursery made to look like a one-night-only boudoir with tatty maribou boas, or a vintage Polly Pocket™ underwater jewelled sea complete set only £3.42 on eBay, she wears Clio Peppiatt, DGAF and could’ve at least brushed her hair.
It’s a shame the flash on this photo was so bright. A greater disservice has ne’er been done to Delta Goodrem’s frankly very impressive balls deep fake tan.
She wears inoffensive Steven Khalil, ample mussed hair and glamourous smug vibes. Wherever he is, Geoffrey Edelsten just got his first semi since ’88.
My old m8 Jess Mauboy is DJ Sammy’s sophomore album come to life: she’s literally HEAVEN in F/W ’14 Dolce & Gabbana and gold Louboutin pumps.
Even if you could even, would you want to? Cop an eyeful of these two merkins from triple j, both of whose hair could do with a bit of an ‘efficiency dividend’ [that’s political rhetoric for ‘a cut’] if you catch my gist.
I’m talking about pubes, FFS.
Number #1 purveyor of solid red carpet banter, Megan Washington, is a consistently chic addition to any carpet: red, runner, magic – you name it! She loves it.
Here, Washington sports a theatrical two tone curtain call that gives an emphatic standing ovation to the usually faux pas pairing of black and navy. All it needs it now is jazz hands. Great wheels, too.
Montana Cox in Alice McCall is every inch and knows it too. This is a very chill but also high fashion situation and I’d endorse it for office wholeheartedly if any of this meant anything. A+
Samantha Jade’s Paolo Sebastian look is 93% hair and that’s okay. Just like a blank page, the rest is still unwritten.
Look who got the last laugh, Ian Dickson. She’s a survivor. She not gon give up. She not gon stop. She gon werk harder.
Somewhere in Brisbane, a Matryoshka doll collector gently weeps on realising he’s missing his two teeniest babushkas. These Shetland humans and ersatz Olsen impersonators are wearing J’Aton and it’s ruining me.
Lesser minds might be forgiven for thinking Justice Crew were the hottest boy band in attendance. They would be wrong A.F. That honour belonged to The Wiggles.
[Blue Wiggle Anthony is keeping it *tight*. Just ask any teen, they’ll back me up, jesus.]
Real talk: the thirst was palpable on One Direction’s much fêted arrival. The air thick with oestrogen and made electric with the ~sesual~ awakening of legion pubescents on both sides of the gender divide. It smelled like terrifying progress.
Imagine, teens everywhere: wilfully surrendering to gravity and flinging their bodies onto the pavement at random in fits of ecstasy (the overwhelming feeling of euphoria, not because they shelved a pinger). Teens sobbing hysterically, unaware of the pivotal role they were playing in my Walkley award-winning Snapchat story; mascara streaked cheeks puffing in and out, red and full of hot and heavy breath while running behind mounted police, neither dealing nor caring about getting kicked in the teeth in the pursuit of a glimpse of Zayn’s mug. Teens literally dying all over the place, unable to even.
Nyall [sp? I don’t care] was stoked to be there. Harry has great hair and a je ne sais quoi that can no longer be denied.
They all wear the finest going out shirts yd. have on offer.
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) November 22, 2014
*Sigh* BRB, thinking at length about Diplo’s peen.
You are welcome, Nicholas Murphy. You are welcome to #regram this photo provided you use the correct annotation. Namaste.
Lead photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images; all other photos Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images.