We’re well underway with the Australian Bachelor 2018 season, which means we’ve moved on from confusing first-meet gowns on ladies whose names we aren’t yet across, and into the personality hour – where the gals (and Nick/Osh, tbh) start showing off their personal style! Yay!
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Naturally this means a) some showstopper outfits and chic ensembles, as well as b) some absolute trash fire looks and getups that were clearly organised by stylists with vengeful hearts.
Here’s Josie (Head of Editorial) and moi (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) taking on the stand-outs.
ROMY
MEL: I mean…
JOSIE: I’m so obsessed with the irony of this outfit. Surely she is deliberately trolling us here?!! An avowed mean girl wearing a feminism t-shirt as she spews forth hot fire about other women is a hilarious, hilarious joke to me.
OSH
JOSIE: Just in time for Father’s Day, this excellent golf outfit. I might buy my 70-year-old father the same getup. Does he like golf? Who cares! He’ll look smashing in this ensemble.
MEL: See, this to me is “I’m a serial killer deciding who’s brains to eat next” in outfit form. Does anyone wear a khaki bomber jacket made of what seems to be plastic unless they want it to be wipe-off-and-go? I’m right.
CASS
MEL: I actually like this from the waist up on Cass, she looks pretty and fresh. The skirt is a bit TOO little-girl-at-5th-birthday but whatever.
JOSIE: My take? Ah yes, when in doubt show some sternum!
BRITT
JOSIE: Okay Brittany took that saying to an entirely new level with this getup.
MEL: Yeah I mean this is basically the black and white version of that iconic J.LO MTV awards dress, or wherever she was. The tropical one. Like absolutely flaunt whatever you want, but I am literally just seeing sternum here and nothing else.
CAT
MEL: I mean I like the VIBE we have going here, like sexy bohemian Balinese expat vibes, but fuck me, I hate those weird collarless collars SO BLOODY MUCH.
JOSIE: Cannot wait to see Cat in Maleficent 3: The Poison Kiss.
DASHA
JOSIE: Dash literally looks like a bronze sculpture of a goddess here and quite frankly (yes I’m biased, she’s my wife) she’s the only one of these people who could pull that off.
MEL: Dasha is such a BABE and they keep putting her in these showstopper gowns and outfits – like that pants/top combo from the first ep, you know? If I wore this I’d look like a lumpy pillow from Spotlight’s bargain bin but Dasha makes it Hollywood.
BRITT
MEL: Linen pants are great but on camera it’s just “HI FRONTBUM, HI WRINKLE THAT APPEARED IN 0.5 SECS OF WEAR”. Not good. The hat is zesty though.
JOSIE: Look I have been out of the dating game for a long time so idk things might have changed, but I never went to my wardrobe before a hot rendezvous with the words “large beige linen pants” as inspiration. These are BAD. And also, Britt, it’s called an iron sweetie, look it up.
BADGER
JOSIE: His top half is ready for a nice lunch at a fine establishment and his bottom half is Bali holiday. I’m really confused by it.
MEL: This is such peak Aussie bloke, dressed meself whaddya think vibes. Why do guys insist on teaming literal boardies with boat shoes and formal shirts? It’s so weird. Where are you going, surfing by way of the office with a quick jaunt on a yacht?
SHANNON
MEL: This is one of those outfits where I like elements of it (I like the choker, I like the hair, I like the bodice) but then hate other bits (I hate the skirt, mainly. That’s it I just hate the skirt). Also if I see one more pic of someone thrusting their leg unnaturally through a split as though to say “hey look, a split!” I will throw my computer out the window.
JOSIE: I feel like Shannon is way too sweet for this ensemble – it’s more like a vampy vixen thing that Romy would froth on. Shannon clearly has no idea how to wear it either, she’s just gone for a default Angelina Jolie Leg Pose.
CAT
MEL: Three cool items (vintage overalls, cream turtleneck, nan glasses with chic chain) put together in literally the worst combo in existence.
JOSIE: Cannot wait to see Cat in the low-budget spinoff Stranger Things: Barb’s Revenge.
SOPHIE
MEL: Why are we at Sophie’s wedding to Prince Harry, Sophie beb it’s OVER, he’s MARRIED. Get out of that fake princess gown immediately and return home.
JOSIE: I don’t actually mind this, it’s kind of retro Hollywood glamour, like maybe some old-timey actress would have worn it to the 1956 Academy Awards. However, I don’t think that means a hot 20-something woman should wear it to a sexy cocktail party on the Bachelor in 2018. You’re young, live a little!
ROMY
JOSIE: I call these Power Boobs. She knows what she’s doing.
MEL: I mean, they look fucking amazing so all power to you, Romy. That being said I wish it wasn’t a large tutu on the bottom, it’s like I’m looking an attempt at sexy Toddlers and Tiaras – extremely wrong.
STEPH
JOSIE: She looks so uncomfortable in this. Like she can’t possible sit down and just had to stand awkwardly in this exact pose for the entire cocktail party and rose ceremony with a bead of pain-induced sweat just slowly trickling down her back.
MEL: Agree, she looks like she’s struggling to breathe and just hoping she doesn’t die of suffocation before she meets Honey Badge, tbh. Colour is GREAT on her though.
DASHA
MEL: Absolutely no. Burn it.
JOSIE: DASHA CAN DO NO WRONG AND I LOVE HER. Even in this 80s power suit that looks like it’s been through a document shredder.
ASHLEA
JOSIE: Okay 1. Who is this and 2. Why is she wearing my nan’s sitting room drapes so… tightly?
MEL: 1. I have NFI, and 2. same but it’s my aunties lounge room rug.
ALISHA
MEL: Why are we still trying to make mullet dresses a thing. Stop now.
JOSIE: This looks like one of those school projects where you just get $2 per metre stretchy fabric from Spotlight, spend four hours fashioning one bit into a bra top and then run out of creativity and just wrap the rest around your lower half.
BROOKE
MEL: Look I know satin doesn’t photograph very well and this was probably less heinous IRL, but also in a very real way are we still doing satin boob tubes and those wrap diamante necklaces now that it’s not 2007? I do not think so.
JOSIE: OMG Brooke had the same school assignment but her parents coughed up for $5 satin and she actually managed to create pants!
ROMY
JOSIE: Romy is just constantly playing up the vampy vixen ~bad gal~ vibe. I quite like this, even though I think she’s a total bitch of a human. She’s working it with the confidence that only a mean queen bee type girl can.
MEL: Agree – I love this, she looks hot as shit, and she KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING. She’s this year’s Kiera but like, meaner. Still, can’t deny she’s a babe.
FYI, Josie and Mel have a true crime/mystery podcast going at the moment – give yourself an earful of it, would ya? It’s here on iTunes, or listen below:
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