Tired of missing out on FOMO inducing photo opportunities because your arms aren’t long enough? Distraught by the woeful scope of your shitty concert photos? Sick of accidentally cropping your head out of beach selfies? Enter the Zuckerberg Selfie Stick which is a real product that exists now – just in time for the part of the year when we give out cheap, passive-aggressive joke presents to our co-workers – thanks to Australian consumer electronics company, Kogan.
Named “in honour of the creator of the go-to platform for selfies,” Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, the Zuckerberg Selfie Stick exists to revolutionise the way people make fun of you. It features an extendable metal rod, a mount with which to hold you camera in place and a mirror attachment reflecting what the viewfinder sees, allowing you to both figuratively and literally take your selfie game to heights that no one else can reach.
The stick’s other features include a non-slip soft foam handle, quick spin knob for fast and secure mounting, a rotating ball-head to adjust your camera to the optimal chin-hiding angle, a durable stainless steel shaft, and the peace and tranquility of knowing deep in your heart that no matter where you are in the world you will never be in the position to have to ask a stranger to take a photo of you in front of something because you are now the type of person who carries a Zuckerberg Selfie Stick with them at all times and that is a small price to pay to avoid the potential disaster of someone running off with your camera while you’re smizing in front of the Statue of Liberty. I am sure this is the way that we all feel.
Kogan founder Ruslan Kogan (what a name!) has even sent a letter to Mark Zuckerberg, urging him to try the first Zuckerberg Selfie Stick ever produced which was delivered earlier this week to Facebook headquarters in California. Kogan writes:
“At Kogan, we listen to all of our customers and we service their demands. Many of our customers are obviously also Facebook customers (at least half a million of them). We have been working very hard and pouring countless hours into R&D to create the world’s best way to take a selfie: today we are proud to unveil The Zuckerberg Selfie Stick (Facebook & Instagram Compatible). We’re honouring your achievements by naming this revolutionary product after you.
It’s affordable, and highly functional. No more dropped phones
because of jittery or slippery hands while taking selfies. No more
having to take 12 selfieS before you find the right angle (we included a
handy mirror). The extra-reach of the Kogan Selfie stick also means you
can get the optimal duck face angle.
I’m sure your shareholders would agree too. This will be a game
changer. There will be more selfies on Facebook than ever before. More
selfies = more interaction = more ads = more revenue.”
One thing not addressed in this letter: how the fuck do you even take a picture?