US Congress Demands To Know Why It Took John Cena So Dang Long To Propose

Quite clearly all of you are well up-to-speed on all the storylines featured on ‘Total Divas‘ and ‘Total Bellas,’ so a detailed backstory here is not necessary. But needless to say that the running theme of the whole shebang is that poor, sweet, block of muscle John Cena has a pathological fear of jewellery stores, and long-time girlfriend Nikki Bella‘s finger was getting very cold.

That all culminated at the start of the week when Cena proposed to Bella in the ring at WrestleMania 33 after the duo handily dispatched the dastardly pairing of The Miz and his IRL wife Maryse in a mixed tag team match (AUTHOR’S NOTE: I *know* the literal entire point of the storyline was to get Cena to get on bended knee at ‘Mania and you certainly can’t have him do that after a loss, but goddamn The Miz has been doing *WORK* lately and if he is not WWE Champion within 6 months that’s a grand injustice the likes of which we haven’t seen since they hid the should-have-been-glorious Mizdow blowoff in a battle royal that neither man won).
So while the happy couple are now taking a little time off WWE to do movie-related things and plan a family life and generally try to not turn their nose up every time sudden brother-in-law Daniel Bryan offers them an organic whatever from his sheep-shit laden garden, the Million Dollar Question lingers: What the bloody hell took John so dang long?
It’s a vital question that no less an authority than the US Congress is demanding answers to.
Congressman Rod Blum used a little remaining time on the floor to ask Linda McMahon (who, as you might recall, is now President Donald Trump‘s Small Business administrator, because everything is fucking weird these days) exactly why Cena dragged his sizeable heels for as long as what he did.
Yes. We are very serious.

That’s in the Congressional Record or whatever the US-equivalent of Hansard is. That is now part of the annals of American political history.
Wrestling might be utterly ridiculous, but at least it’s honest and up-front about it.

Source: YouTube.
Photo: Orlando Sentinel/Getty.