Fuck You, Tasmania Calling Its NBL Team The Jack Jumpers Is Sick As Hell

Tasmania has itself an NBL team, and it’ll be called the Jack Jumpers. That name and identity for the NBL’s newest franchise was confirmed late last night, and was immediately met with widespread derision from fans and basketball identities, who all moved at the speed of light to tear their pound of flesh off the announcement. The name itself was picked from a pool of five potential names, beating out the other “finalist” name of Tasmania Tridents to become the new face of Tasmanian basketball. And yet, the howls were cacophonous. “The name sucks,” people yelled. “Shit name,” they screamed. “What the fuck?” others shrieked in amusement. But speaking as a Tasmanian born and bred it’s my sworn duty at this time to state, in no uncertain terms, piss off. Piss off all of you. Piss off and keep pissing off and piss off some more once you’ve done that. The ant is good.

All across social media the screeches of those who think they know better – would you believe, mainlanders one and all – have been coming in thick and fast. From NBL figures like Chris Anstey and Andrew Bogut to media personalities and sport commentators alike. The hatred for the Jack Jumpers name could not have been more evident.


Howls of derision! Howls! And yet, my considered counterpoint on the matter is, once again: Piss off.

The Jack Jumper is a nasty little bitch of an ant that will wreck your shit six ways till Sunday. It’s all well and good for those safe in concrete wonderlands to deride the ant, but only those with first-hand experience (read: Tasmanians) know its full might. To step on a nest barefoot in a Scamander backyard on a 28-degree day in January is to know true pain. And as any island native or resident will know, a Tasmanian 28 degrees is a mainland 41. Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

It’s a mighty, powerful ant, and it exists. Why are we drawing the line here when the NBL is rife with vague concepts and mythical crap? A King can’t sting you. “United” is some English Premier League nonsense. And the Phoenix entered the league quietly without a soul ripping on that egregious Harry Potter-ass bullshit. But we’re upset about a fantastic ant? I don’t accept that. I don’t accept that at all.

The Jack Jumper is strong, fearsome, and powerful. More importantly, it is Tasmanian.

It’s our bloody ant, god damn it. And it rules.