It’s Friday, mates! And more important than that, it’s March 16th. 3/16.
And on this blessed day we get to pause and reflect on the majesty of the only man to ever stomp a mudhole in someone and walk it dry, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Yes, he of the ubiquitous Austin 3:16 catchphrase that denotes today be the day to celebrate with a few ice cold Steveweisers (and, look, I know we don’t write the date that way here in Australia, but there isn’t a June 31st either, so what we got is what we got, capiche?)
So who is Stone Cold Steve Austin exactly?
Six-time WWF Champion? Sure.
Movie and TV personality? Absolutely.
Spiller of more beer than a keg party in an earthquake? You betcha.
But above all else he’s responsible for a metric tonne of Stone Cold Stunners. Bloody loves ’em, he does. Throw ’em out on anyone.
Because it’s Friday, and because, much like Stone Cold Steve Austin, I write what I want, let’s celebrate the holy 3/16 with a selection of the finest Stunners, fresh from Sheriff Austin’s private reserve.
THIS TIME WHEN HE STUNNED SHANE McMAHON
Hell yeah, Shane McMahon didn’t see that one coming. Whammo! Right on the kisser. This boss’s kid right here just popped off the mat like he’d been launched to Timbuktu.
THIS OTHER TIME WHEN HE SMACKED WILLIAM REGAL AND LEFT
Ohhhhh heckin’ shit. You know you were in big trouble when ole’ Cone Stold didn’t even want to say a thing. Hoo mama, put him down right on his buttock and walked right outta there. Flibbideegee.
WHEN HE TOOK TWO… HE HAD TO STUN THE ROCK TWICE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yX_GkYqSJc
Two!! It took two Stunners to put The Rock onto his tum. That’s when you really know it means business, the Stunner. When you gotta do it twice because he’s still standing after the first one. After all, you know what they say: If at first you don’t succeed, then let’s do it another time.
STONE COLD STEVEN AUSTIN STUNS SANTA CLAUS
That’s Santa! That’s bloody Saint Santa Claus! Stone Cold Austin stunned the Santa Man! He’s outta control, boys! Lost his dag bum mind!
WHEN STEVE PUT SCOTT HALL RIGHT INTO SPACE HOLY BEJEEZUS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOVgfzO3npg
WOW SCOTT HALL IS OUTTA HERE. Bounced him so high into the sky that he might not ever come down! But he did, obviously. He was only in the sky for a smidge.
STONE COLD STUNS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
Way to fall down like a real sack of shit, dumbass. Real sack of shit move. Good job, idiot. Way to go. Flailing around on the mat like a bloody pissboy. “President” my big ass. Pathetic stuff, folks.
In conclusion the Stone Cold Stunner is the only true and pure American-created art form, thank you for reading (also sorry).
