Prep Yr Livers, Because Here’s Your Official AFL Grand Final Drinking Game

The moment is almost upon us. AFL Grand Final Day is tomorrow, and preparations at the MCG are well underway as the hotly anticipated clash between the Sydney Swans and the Western Bulldogs looms.

But it’s not just the stadium and the clubs that are prepping for the big game. Grand Final parties are also prepping for the last Saturday in September first Saturday in October.

And by “preparations,” we of course mean “raiding the local bottle shop to stock up on bulk piss.”

Sure, you could casually drink as the need or want arises, easing yourself through the day without much care for your rate of consumption. But where’s the fun in that?

What better way to spice up the consumption of many froths than with a set of entirely arbitrary rules?

We here at PEDESTRIAN.TV, largely being a group of seasoned pissheads, have produced a set of key moments and occasions for you and yours to drink along with as the day progresses tomorrow. It’s entirely serious, very legitimate, and should *absolutely* be treated as such.

Please to enjoy your OFFICIAL 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL DRINKING GAME!

• Channel Seven plays an emotional but light-hearted highlights package for the retiring Dennis Cometti. The man is a legend and a broadcasting institution, and he deserves some goddamned respect.
• Dennis Cometti awkwardly shoe-horns in a cringe-worthy pop culture reference into commentary. Just because it’s your last day doesn’t mean you can get away with shit like that, Dennis.
• Brian Taylor says or does anything, appears on screen, is mentioned in passing, or the memory of his continued employment is conjured up in any way, shape, or fashion. Drinking’s the only way to deal with that. Heavy drinking.
• Wayne Carey. See above.
• The pre-match entertainment from Sting, The Living End, and Vance Joy clears the extraordinarily low bar of being better than Meatloaf‘s warbling hot mess of an appearance at the 2011 Grand Final. Yikes.

• The Western Bulldogs Football Club steps foot onto the ground for their first VFL/AFL Grand Final appearance in 55 years. It’s been a long time coming. Savour the moment.
• Danny McGinlay‘s Bulldogs banner zings the Swans real good. They’ve been killing it all year. But for the Grand Final? Expect fireworks.
• Bob Murphy is shown on screen. The Dogs’ inspirational injured captain might not be on the field with them, but he’s the beating heart and soul of the club. Baby, they were born to run.
• The commentators mention 1954, the year of the last Bulldogs flag. Which will happen constantly, because 8 hours of water-treading air time ain’t gonna fill themselves.
• Someone makes a short joke about Caleb Daniel.
• Tony Liberatore is shown on screen getting absolutely fired up in the crowd, because football’s a wonderful dang thing
• Your working class, blue collar blood boils at the idea of those red wine-sipping Bondi shits taking the flag. FUCK THEM. This is Footscray.

• Danny McGinlay‘s Bulldogs banner zings the Swans real good. Sometimes you just gotta take the L, y’know?
• The “Bloods“ team culture is brought up. Which will happen constantly, because 8 hours of water-treading air time ain’t gonna fill themselves.
• Bruce McAvaney sprouts a very obvious and audible stiffy over Buddy Franklin. No Cyril Rioli in the Grand Final for the first time since 2011. He’s gotta get his jollies from somewhere.
• Someone makes a ginger joke about Gary Rohan.
• The sun kicks off Jarrod McVeigh‘s glorious bald bonce and temporarily blinds all who dare look directly at it.
• Someone says Heath Grundy‘s name out loud. Because lol, grundies.
• The thought of the premiership going to some bunch of western suburbs gronks who finished seventh on the ladder gives you hives. Who gives a shit if it’s their first Grand Final in 55 years? Cinderella’s ball ended, and so will theirs.

Like we said: Very serious, very real, and should be stringently adhered to at all times lest ye all be punished horribly somehow.

Enjoy the game, pals! Drink up (responsibly)!