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Space Jam 2. It’s happening.
The long-awaited sequel to the incredibly good 1996 animation/live-action hybrid is officially on the way, with LeBron James set to pair up with Bugs Bunny and co to, presumably, take on the moon men of Moron Mountain once again.
While the bulk of the film’s cast is almost assuredly going to be made up of Warner Bros.’ cast of animated favourites, there’s still (presumably) a hole for a raft of modern NBA stars to get sucked down into.
The broad assumption would be that, like in the first movie, the Monstars again sap the powers of professional ballers in order to defeat the Tune Squad and trap a hapless James on Moron Mountain forevermore. But who exactly would fill the modern NBA players roles?
Sure, it’s all well and good to suggest that it’d be Kyrie Irving, Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook and the like. But the much smarter move is to analyse the original cast and find their modern-day equivalent.
We’re not talking merely position or team equivalents here, either. We’re talking really analysing the original roles to find their line of best new fit. Observe:
- Muggsy Bogues: Wise-cracking small man.
- Charles Barkley: Large, charismatic buffoon who’ll wind up as a TV analyst after retiring.
- Patrick Ewing: Dominant beanpole starved of success.
- Larry Johnson: Journeyman baller.
- Shawn Bradley: Tall white guy.
Those are the roles that need to be filled in Space Jam 2. And behold, we’ve got the right guys for the job.
WISE-CRACKING SMALL MAN: ISAIAH THOMAS
No brainer, this one. Muggsy Bogues is 5’3″, Isaiah Thomas 5’9″. A damned sight taller than Muggsy, it’s true. But still tiny by all NBA standards. Plus I.T. has the charisma and the flash and the magnetic personality to pull off the role Muggsy originally made famous. Lock it in.
LARGE, CHARISMATIC BUFFOON: PAUL GEORGE
If this bloke doesn’t have a permanent ESPN or TNT contract sitting it his desk drawer waiting for the day he decides to stop playing then it’s surely in the mail. And while he’s not quite as overtly over-the-top as King Charles himself, he’s got more than enough charisma to equal the round mound of rebound’s acting efforts.
DOMINANT BEANPOLE: JOEL EMBIID
Speaking of charisma, Joel Embiid, ladies and gentlemen. Put a flattop haircut on him and he could probably play Patrick Ewing in a biopic. As it stands though, if he’s not already sliding into LeBron’s DMs chasing a role in the flick then honestly what’s the point of social media at all?
JOURNEYMAN BALLER: DeMARCUS COUSINS
Built like a stack of bricks? Check. High first-round draft pick? Check. Left an up-and-coming side at an inopportune time due to personality clashes? Check. Would probably still try and fight Alonzo Mourning given half the chance? CHECK.
Boogie and Larry Johnson. Two peas.
TALL WHITE GUY: BOBAN MARJANOVIĆ
Shawn Bradley is notable for two things and two things only: Being white, and being really tall. Boban is absolutely both of those things, with the added bonus of being a bit fundamentally ridiculous and pretty good on camera. So at the very least he’ll be able to blitz Big Limby when delivering heady dialogue like this:
How Bradley never got an Oscar nomination for that barnburning performance, I’ll never know.
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