What the fuck, footy’s just done now? Just like that? There’s no more until NEXT YEAR? What the hell. What the damn shit, man. No one told me about this. No one bothered to prepare me for this reality. There was no announcement this would happen. We just had the Grand Final and that’s IT?? That’s the last game for 2019? Bullshit. Hogwash. Absolute rot.
I found out that there was no more football for the year sometime around midnight last night and immediately fell into a deep existential crisis. What on earth am I supposed to do with my life now? How do I structure my weekends? What’s left to occupy the hours when I can’t scream at beefy disposal pigs on the TV anymore?
I can only assume everyone else is in this same rudderless boat now, so I’m being proactive about picking up the shattered pieces of my suddenly footyless life via the following handy hints. Maybe you should follow them too. Who knows? You might learn something valuable.
1) Make New Friends
With footy gone and everyone’s weekends in disarray, there’s bound to be a horde of directionless people milling about like turkeys circling a dead cat beneath a pub TV that’s now showing reruns of Escape With ET or whatever. Consider merging into that group while they bump and bang into each other like broken video game characters, and soon you’ll have enough new mates to bridge the footyless gap by talking about how Carlton should never have been in the 1999 prelim to begin with.
2) Get A Hobby
It’s important to have hobbies in life. They occupy the mind, and enrich the soul. Me, I’m learning construction and city planning through erecting a small, self-sustaining tent compound outside of AFL House, as well as arts and crafts by designing and making placards demanding the AFL do the right fucking thing by giving Tasmania a team in the league. No relocation, no re-badging, a standalone expansion team of our very own. Mind occupied, soul enriched.
3) Consider Launching A Career In The Media
Trade Radio started up this week. Perhaps you could fill your footy hours by calling them up once a day to suggest Collingwood should trade Brodie Grundy to Port for Paddy Ryder, straight swap. Maybe the Swans need to start demanding five first round picks out of Carlton for Tom Papley? Or what about the clearly obvious fact that Tim Kelly, fresh off an All-Australian season that got him 24 Brownlow votes, is worth maybe a third-round, probably only a fourth-round pick at best, and a future one at that? West Coast should only be offering Geelong a half carton of Emu Export for him. Don’t hold back. Really fuck that call-in line up. Crank your brain open and pull out the most demented nuffy takes you can think of. That’s how Kane Cornes got to where he is now, after all.
4) Learn To Cook?
Without a quarter time siren to remind you that you’re actually starving you should probably figure out how to feed yourself, I guess. The fuck is that in the kitchen? An oven? The hell is that? What do you mean you make food with it? Food comes from the delivery man five minutes into the second. Whatever, let’s light a match and find out about it together.
5) Find A New Sport To Ween Yourself Onto
Apparently the same ovals used for footy are also still used for cricket, which seems like a bullshit lie to me because everyone knows cricket ended the day Ricky Ponting retired. If you feel like torturing yourself in the sun on the off-chance some underground hackery is taking place in secret on the MCG, be my fucken guest.
6) Learn To Do Really Terrible, Base-Level Simpsons Footyposting
7) Start Pre-Season Training Now
Those leftover Grand Final beers aren’t gonna smash themselves. Might as well start prepping for round one next year by putting in a massive few summer months. Remember: Drinking on a roof counts as high altitude training.Image: Getty Images / Michael Wilson