Everything You Need To Know (And Some Things You Don’t) About The Winter Olympics

Australia isn’t exactly known for its snowy peaks and luscious winters, because, well, summer’s awesome.

But when it comes to sport, we’re the kind of people who can get behind anything. It doesn’t matter how questionable the sport is, and let’s face it, there are a bunch of rubbish ones out there (walking? Come on).

With that in mind, we’ve compiled a guide to the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics and have done all the thinking (which is the worst part of sport) for you.

People Who Could Actually Win A Medal

We’ve been competing in the Winter Olympics since 1936 and we’ve only managed to cough up nine medals. That’s an average of roughly half a medal every Winter Olympics. Unfortunately for us Thredbo isn’t the pinnacle of the winter sports world.

That being said, these are some of the people that might actually bring home a medal in Sochi.

Torah Bright – the fourth Australian ever to win a gold medal, she won back in 2010 for snowboarding. A damn good snowboarder, she also happens to be a mad chiller.

Matt Graham – a young gun Moguls skier. He is currently ranked fourth in the world. That’s one place in front of Dale Begg-Smith (see below) who is Australia’s most successful Winter Olympian ever.

Lydia Lassila – is a freestyle skier who won a gold medal at the Vancouver Winter Olympics. She has been competing in the Winter Olympics since 2002, making her one of our most experienced competitors.

Alex ‘Chumpy’ Pullin – Alex is a snowboarder who has dominated in the World Championships, with back-to-back gold medals in 2011 and 2013. He was chosen as the Australian flag-bearer.

People Who Have A Serious Set of Balls On Them

So Michelle Steele, John Farrow and Lucy Chaffer all compete in something called ‘Skeleton’. And yes, it’s just as messed up as it sounds.

I’m probably leaving a lot of the technical stuff out of this, but the basic gist is that they jump on this tiny little sled and dive down the luge track headfirst. Essentially turning themselves into a human cannonball and pulling up to five g’s. Just a hint, if you plan on pulling any more than five, you’ll probably black out.

Person Who Is Most Likely To Be The Next Steve Bradbury

Daniel Greig – at the tender age of 22, Daniel is the only speed skater we have competing. So, alas, he is the most likely to follow in Steve’s delightful footsteps and win by taking the ‘slow and steady’ approach. Let everyone else fall over and then just scoot around them.

Person Who Is Most Likely To Piss Of Putin

Belle Brockhoff – the only openly gay Australian Olympian competing at the Winter Olympics, she will probably be the one who is most likely to piss Putin off or cause some sort of international incident. She’s planning on giving the six-finger salute if she manages to get in front of camera. Let’s hope she does.

Person Who Is Most Likely To Dodge The Media And Head Back To The Cayman Islands

Dale Begg-Smith – Australia’s most successful Winter Olympian of all time, he won gold in 2006 and silver in 2010 for Moguls skiing. He also happens to be an undercover millionaire that spends most of his time chilling in the tax haven of the Cayman Islands (heaps of ski slopes there). His money reportedly comes from an internet advertising agency that has been linked to spyware, malware and those pain in the ass pop up ads.

Whatever you want to say about his personal life, fellow Olympians swear by the guy. And when push comes to shove, it’s well within his capability to grab another medal.

Photos: via Getty