Some people want to know why the Government keeps putting fluoride in the water. Some people believe aliens walk among us here on Planet Earth. Some people demand to know the truth of the Illuminati. Me, I will not rest, I will not sleep, I will not yield, until I figure out just how and why Dustin Martin, AFL star and now-dual Richmond Premiership player, somehow showed up in Serena Williams‘ Instagram Story out of virtually nowhere last night.

Now, it’s certainly no secret that Martin’s been having a Brownlow-calibre off-season. 11 days after the Tigers’ barnstorming Grand Final win it emerged that Martin’s car was still parked at the MCG, with old mate simply not once being in a position to legally drive it home from the stadium in the in-between. At that point he’d even pissed off overseas without picking the car back up.

We know that after that point he spent some time in Las Vegas, but his movement between then and now are unclear. But whatever the series of rather fortunate events were, it wound up with him showing up in the Maldives of all places, apparently chucking a chill little holiday with the greatest tennis player the world has ever seen.

Martin popped up, virtually out of nowhere, in Williams’ Instagram Story last night, raising infinitely more questions than we have answers.

There’s really no disputing that. That’s Dustin Martin, Brownlow Medalist, two-time Norm Smith Medalist, two-time Richmond Premiership player, sipping some sort of margarita or whatever, while Serena Williams films him on her phone, and Alexis Ohanian plays around with a set of DJ decks in the background.

What the fuck is going ON.

Martin then showed up in another story posted by Williams, this time helping Ohanian drag a banana boat out into the water.

What the HELL is going on.

Interestingly enough, and where the real tin-foil hat shit comes out, is that there was a fourth person featured in the videos: Hollywood Talent Agent/close friend of Williams, Jessica Steindorff. A quick peruse of her Instagram Story also brings up a quick Dusty cameo, albeit just of his fairly recognisable leg.

If you really want to do some brain expanding, consider the largely unrelated fact that Steindorff was previously the driver of a vehicle that was involved in the infamous Caitlyn Jenner pile up that resulted in the death of one person, and that she subsequently sued Jenner for personal injury and property loss, later settling out of court.

I can’t explain any of this. I spent all night trying to find a link between noted Australian Footballer Dustin Martin and these three globally famous people and came up with nothing. The closest tangential link I found was a 2016 pre-Australian Open press photo featuring Williams posing with Luke Hodge and Joel Selwood, among others.

What does any of this mean? What does it MEAN??

The only real conclusion I can draw from any of this, is that it probably means Martin’s car is still at the MCG. And honestly? That’s very, very funny.