You know the saying ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will play’? That’s totally what the vibe is in Sydney rn. The cat in this case being Covid-19 and the mice being serial daters.

Me these past few months, waiting patiently for the covid cat to fuck off.

We have finally emerged from our dark, cold, lonely wank nooks and poured back into the street in large numbers, swiping left, right, up, down, diagonal, swiping into other dimensions on the hunt for some sweet fucking cheese (reassurance that we are at least somewhat desirable from mildly hot strangers who live kind of close by).

The night the first restriction was lifted.

But as I started to swipe on lé apps, the dark side of the dating world reared its ugly head.

I have have been on the dating scene for a good few years now, but I rarely go on second or third dates because it seems every man in my dating pool is only interested in one thing and one thing only.

Banter.

For example, as you may be aware, on some dating apps there are questions you answer / sentences you fill the blanks in on. I guess it’s their way of helping you to gauge a better understanding of the man behind the mirror six pack selfie, the person under the snowboard goggles, the soul inside the hi-vis vest.

“What if I told you…I’m a twin!”

From a 5 min swipe sesh, there were more profiles that mentioned the word banter in their answers than should be allowed. As if it were a pre-requisite to a date.

I’m looking for… “Gym dates, good banter, isolation companion lol”

A sign of a good date is… “Non-stop banter!”

I’ll fall for you if… “You can handle the bantz” (Bantz, noun: An even worse alternative to banter.)

Nothing dries up this pussy quite like the concept of ‘banter’. When I hear the word ‘banter’ I think ‘meathead’ and ‘meathead’ makes me think of ‘banter’ again…. It’s a bad cycle.

Somehow I feel this gif is appropriate

So, what is it? According to dicktionary.com

Don’t get me wrong, talking shit with your friends is the bees knees. However, on a date with a stranger ‘banter’ is just negging lite and hidden under apparent good intentions (having sex with you later).

Unfamilar with ‘negging’? It’s that tactic ‘pick up artists’ use to undermine women’s confidence in the hope we seek their approval.

In other words:

More accurate.

And can I just say, boys love to give you a hefty dose of banter, but they cannot handle it back.  I once told a guy I didn’t like his hat after he told me my breasts were too big for my body and then he told the teacher on me and the school rang my parents. True story.

My version of hell is to meet a fuckable stanger on a date and then just ping pong short, pithy, forced, inane lines back and forth for hours. If a guy tries to intiate that with me, I know he’s not listening, he’s just trying to come up with another witty remark. I’d have to be so trashed get through it, that I wouldn’t want the root afterwards which would in turn defeat the purpose of banter. I may as well be using my vibrator while simultaneously watching that Jeff Ross Roast Battle show.

That way I might get a genuine laugh and/or orgasm.

I guess if you really are struggling to find common ground, performing a Bantom of the Opera, so to speak, is an effective way to hold somewhat of a conversation until you have spent a socially acceptable amount of time together before jumping in the sack. Desperate times do call for desperate measures, I’ve been there and so have you. But activley looking for ‘banter’ so much as to specifically ask for it in your dating profile is both confusing and worrying to me.

The word banter originated in England, the earliest known use for it was in a play in the 1700s, Bantz we can probably credit to Gaz from Geordie Shore.

One teacher in the UK got so sick of the word, and saw students using it as an excuse for bulling he went and BANNED the word BANTER from his classroom.

That’s the sort of man I’m swiping for.

So fellas, ladies, and non conformers, it’s possible to have a conversation with a sexy stranger without having to pull out the banter card. You don’t have to laugh the entire time on a date, they were aware they weren’t going out with Chris Rock when the signed up for going out with you. Being kind and sexy will trump any sort of banter you can deliver.

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