Heartbreak caused by a long-term relationship imploding is, in my opinion, always real heartbreak. But what about when someone you’re dating and into fizzles out on you? This, my friends, is what I call the Ego Tantrum.
Picture this – you’ve been seeing someone for a month or two. Basically it’s been a while and you’re definitely into them, but it’s not been long enough to call it a relationship. At the most, you might be at the very beginning of calling what you have going on a relationship.
Then, the texts slow. The dates dry up. You start panicking and going all conspiracy theory on what’s going on.
In the end you get ghosted or you get dumped.
Now you’re upset, understandably. You’re crying, or you’re out self-sabotaging your life, or whatever – all in the name of heartbreak. Except… are you heartbroken? Or is your ego just being a little bitch?
This is a concept I figured out after a guy I was seeing faded out on me last year. I was *kinda* into him but tbh, with hindsight I can see that what was really stimulating me was the chase. I was the one running things and he was just co-operating by going on dates with me, texting when I texted him, and so on.
Eventually he fizzled on me – and I was devastated. For weeks I was “heartbroken” that whatever we had didn’t work out.
The only reason I saw things clearly was that my friend was going through a similar thing to me at the same goddamn time – a fizzle-out with a guy she was into, but not THAT into. Counselling her through her drama made me check myself. I realised that I was having a bit of an Ego Tantrum – my ego was bruised because someone had decided I wasn’t worth pursuing romantically. It sucks – but it also doesn’t need to bring you down the way it brought me down.
Here’s a few signs you’re in the middle of an Ego Tanty, NOT heartbreak.
1. You Never REEEEALLY Liked Them
You’ll only work this out if you’re honest with yourself. Cast your mind back to dates with this person – were you genuinely vibing each other? Or did you like something superficial about them?
Maybe they were super hot, or popular. Maybe they made you laugh but that was pretty much all you had in common. Whatever the case, if you didn’t actually have a genuine connection – it’s an Ego Tantrum, beb.
2. It Hasn’t Been Very Long
I’m sorry but “love at first sight” is BS. Doesn’t exist! You need more than a few dates to fall in love with someone, because you can’t genuinely know who they are until you’ve spent a bunch of quality time with them.
Sure, maybe you were infatuated, or smitten. It’s absolutely, in my opinion, possible to be smitten with someone within hours.
But for a true heartbreak to occur, I believe you need to have a deep connection with the person you’re splitting from. This absolutely doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid – it’s just based on other issues, like…
3. Your Self-Esteem Is, Quite Frankly, In The Toilet
Again, time to get a bit introspective in this bitch. Is your self-esteem down the toot? You can suss this based on how you perceive yourself, but a huge clue is where your mind goes when someone rejects you romantically.
I ALWAYS used to blame myself when people split up with me. “I was too much”, “I shouldn’t have said this or that” and “I’m not pretty enough for them” were common reasons I ran toward.
The thing is, terrible self-esteem levels will absolutely see you crying over someone you were only semi into. When you truly believe you’re ~worthy of love~ you won’t end up as affected by what some person you went on 5 dates with thinks of you. How do I know this? Because these days, I don’t really care – at least not to the depth that I did when I had bad self-esteem.
4. It Passes When Someone Else Shows Interest
Honestly, one of the biggest signs you had an Ego Tantrum not an actual heartbreak is that as soon as someone else you deem hot/cool/interesting shows you romantic attention, your sadness over the thing that ended fades out.
That’s because it’s all centred around your ego, not your heart.
I DO want to say that – your pain is your pain, it is valid. Even if you’re just in the middle of an Ego Tantrum that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting. That stuff feels ROUGH, and if you’re going through it you self-care and be good to yourself, you know?
All I’m saying is that if you identify with the Ego Tantrum, take it as a sign you need to get your self-esteem in check. See a therapist! Stick positive mantras on your mirror! Check yourself when you start going down the negative thoughts alley in your mind!
Bottom line – you’re a fantastic, sparkly human being – even when some rando feels you’re not someone they wanna pursue. REMEMBER IT.