The Bobo & Flex podcast is my favourite thing to listen to RN (aside from my own *shameless plug* All Aussie Mystery Hour). Bobo Matjila & Flex Mami are QUEENS, and their dating/life advice is honestly some of the wisest, most inspiring shit I’ve ever heard, and I see a therapist like, most months.
But it’s Flex Mami’s concept “facilitate your own nut” that I want to specifically talk about, because goddamn has it changed my life for the better in 2019.
I asked Flex to sum it up in her words, because I didn’t want to botch this truly perfect life motto.
“It’s both a literal and figurative statement. In the literal sense, it means to understand how your body works (sexual health, reproductive health etc) and to seek out your own pleasure. Figuratively, nut can be used as a synonym for pleasure and pleasure can be derived from a tonne of things. The moral is, know what provides you pleasure and then seek it out autonomously first.”
Basically, “facilitate your own nut” goes beyond masturbation (although that can be part of it). It’s about self-empowerment.
1. How Does This Work Literally?
The concept of “facilitate your own nut” was derived from the common issue she saw among women who were contacting them on social media.
“A lot of discourse via my IG story and podcast that was amplifying the sexual dissatisfaction epidemic. So many cishet women I was engaging with were declaring they weren’t getting their nut, and claimed to not be at fault. It was their partner’s fault, low libido due to a stressful work environment or perhaps growing up in a religious home fostered repressive views on sex. While al these reasons are valid, it dawned on me that it was redundant to only focus at the external factors at play, given they weren’t the only contributors.”
“Too often we rely on partners to be the conduit to our sexual literacy and climax – and while that can be fun, it’s not necessarily the most effective metric for sexual satisfaction. Think about all the cishet women who reveal they’re not cumming during sex. “
To live your truth via this concept literally, learn about your body. Flick the bean / wank instead of relying on a sexual partner to get you to orgasm – IMO, even if you have a regular sexual partner who gets you there. There’s nothing more empowering than knowing how to get shit done yourself, you know?
“…instead of blaming a partner, I’d prefer for people to become more educated about their bodies, which leads to being more comfortable with their bodies, which leads to eventual exploration and then hopefully MORE NUTS.”
2. And Figuratively?
To take the concept wider and make it a real over-arching life motto, the figurative “nut” is anything that gives you pleasure. Here’s something Flex said regarding where the entire concept came from.
“I wanted to shift the conversation internally and encourage people to take accountability, steer the narrative away from failure and reclaim power over the outcome.”
Do you tend to blame external factors for you not enjoying your life? For example, do you blame a shit boss for work sucking, or your friends never organising hang-time for your loneliness?
No more. This concept is a grab-life-with-both-hands kinda vibe, where you don’t rely on other people to make you happy, you go and make that happiness for yourself.
To me, this is like reminding yourself about the things you like at your job/finding ways to manage your shit boss so they’re, well, less shit (or getting a new job if it’s that bad) instead of complaining about it and having a victim mentality.
For the second example about your mates, it’s fucking off the concept of “they don’t organise” and just doing the organisation yourself. Or it’s making new friends via group activities (sport, hobbies) or through work/mutual mates.
3. So Go Facilitate Your Own Nut, K?
I think for me personally the concept was the most impactful in terms of dating culture. As someone who has been on/off single for years, I’m WELL aware of how shithouse it can be in terms of fuckboys/softbois/emotionally unavailable people.
I, and many of my mates, have found ourselves in a dating rut where we let guys/girls fuck us around royally because we start depending on them for sex/attention. But if you’re “facilitating your own nut” you don’t NEED someone external to give you sexual satisfaction/attention. You get it from yourself – you don’t need the validation.
See? It’s damn good. Now go facilitate your respective nuts, you guys.