Dating app prompts were the best fucking addition. How did we choose who to swipe right on before them? Grainy photos of abs and pictures involving cowboy hats? The occasional badly-cropped meme?
Now, we have this teeny little insight into someone’s personality before we start a conversation with them, and friends that is GOLD in the dating world.
A part of my soul would die every time I had to plod through a small-talk conversation about how I spent my weekend and what “shenanigans” I got up to. We can skip at least 50 per cent of those borzo conversations now! Because instead of judging everyone based purely on their looks, we now judge them based on their looks AND on their wit, which is maybe just as problematic but lalalala I don’t care. Whatever can whittle down the pool, right?
The thing is, many of you have NFI what you’re doing with the dating app prompts. Yes yes, we aren’t all witty Twitter-people who can whip up funny little answers willy-nilly. But I have seen some doozies out there that have absolutely been copy-pasted from some awful Andrew Tate-type advice TikTok on how to get people to date you.
The first rule is: do not ever take advice from anyone who closely resembles Pitbull on dating. The second rule is: to BE ORIGINAL AND YOURSELF. Or, get a writer friend to do your dating app prompts for you – I am usually available, and have written an EXCEPTIONAL response for a friend (who will remain unnamed) that was just unhinged enough to pique interest while being normal enough not to seem serial killer. A good gauge point, btw.
Anyway, in my opinion, these are some serious mistakes people on the apps are making with their prompts. Or maybe I’m boring!!! And not funny!!! And a judgy bitch who will end up alone forever!!! You make the call.
5. Excess Emoji Use
Look this is coming in at last place because I’m aware this has more to do with my dislike of emojis in conversation and less to do with a wider ick. Is it just me who hates a dating app bio that involves 5 million emojis? Why does it make me feel like you’re going to make me go and watch the Minions movie on our first date?
Ideally, use no emojis. If you must, make sure they’re only good ones like the melting face or the pass-agg smile.
4. Negroni Spagliato/Spicy Margs/Dirty Martinis
There is a tiny window where you can name-drop a drink of the moment and have it work for you on the apps. A TINY, MINISCULE window. Like, when the TikTok of Emma D’Arcy going on about negroni sbagliatos dropped, you had two weeks max. You’d attract other people who got the reference, and you might have fallen in love over a mutual addiction to social media. Cute. I guess.
But very quickly, everyone else on the apps will be popping these references into their prompts because they, too, want to seem on-the-pulse of what’s vibing, and very quickly the vibe becomes very much NOT the vibe, it becomes basic, and again – SO EXTREMELY OKAY to be basic, I am the most basic bitch of all time, but if you’re including references to a popular bev in your profile as a way to seem unique and cool, I’m telling you right now you are one of a million unique-and-cools.
So. Include if you genuinely will not date anyone who doesn’t take you for spicy margs. But avoid it if you’re just doing it to be ~ not like other girls/guys/theys ~.
Now, if your favourite drink is a Blue Hawaiian, THAT is worth including. You tooth decay maniac.
4. Anything About Pineapple On Pizza
So you hate it! So you love it! Pineapple on pizza conversations are extremely 2015. That is an arbitrary year I made up, but you know what I mean – it’s passé, we’re done. Discussing it doesn’t make you unique, and in particular HATING on it doesn’t make you better than me.
In fact, I’ll actually allow it if you want to tell the world you love pineapple on pizza. You fly your freak flag! I’d advise against it as a unique personality trait because it isn’t, but mainly – don’t be all ohohoho don’t swipe me if you like pineapple on pizza ohoho because a) no one thinks you’re special, and b) you just eliminated 50 per cent of your dating pool over a fruit.
2. “I Really Want To Not Answer These Questions”
I must credit one of my favourite Instagram meme accounts, Canterbury Catgirl, for both inspiring this article and reminding me of this ABOMINABLE answer that pops up all the time.
My opinion is it doesn’t show NO personality; it shows a disdain for dating apps. It’s on par with people who ask you, “how long have you been on this app for”. MY MOST HATED. I know you’re trying to judge whether I’m a sad spinster who men run shrieking from!! Even though you yourself have probably been on/off the apps for five years!!!
It’s giving misogyny because I genuinely have only ever seen straight men use this answer to dating app prompts. You think it’s sexy to put zero effort in because it implies you don’t NEED an app to find women. But, in turn, you expect us to put effort in for YOU, Mr Golden Dick 2000.
Absolutely not. Put some effort in, my dude.
1. “I’m 6’2, because apparently that matters”
This one has been going on since the dawn of dating app time, and remains the worst ever ever ever. STOP!! TELLING!! ME!!! YOUR!!! HEIGHT!! It’s weird!! But also, you clearly THINK it matters so why are you pretending otherwise? That makes it even more ick.
The era of Short Kings is here, and trying to separate yourself from the crowd by way of a few centimetres gives big vibes of having not a lot else to offer besides towering over me. Also, if you really really want to tell me, just tell me. It’s slightly less ick if you just own it, ok?
Well, What Can I Write Then?
I didn’t want to end this article on a neggy note, because as I said, we’re not all witty comment machines.
The golden rule of dating app prompt writing is: communicate your ACTUAL personality. Not what you want people to think, not what you think people like to read. At the end of the day, I assume you either want to find people to do sex with or find people to date, both of which involve you meeting IRL and being your actual self anyway.
The second, more chaotic rule, is to be so ridiculous with it that it’s hilarious, and people swipe right because they’re intrigued. I’m talking joke answers for every question, but not in a “CBF trying” way, in an “I’m giving you such an unhinged version of myself, only fellow unhinged soulmates will apply”. This is how I used to do it; it really weeded out the small talk.
I’ll also say the app prompt answer that got me chatting with my now-boyfriend was him saying, “swans and geese are the same animal”. This is another good tip – easy conversation starters that are a bit weird but easily accessible. We talked about the time a swan chased me around Centennial Park! We Googled whether swans were even an animal or just a gender of duck! Many chats were had that didn’t involve “how’s the weather today [sun emoji heart emoji 100 emoji]”.
Now go forth and update those apps. You can thank me over your next negroni sbagliato.
Melissa is a freelance writer. You can find her on Instagram and TikTok.
