Well, hello, you bloody savage person who’s intrigued by dating dealbreakers.
Chances are that you’ve entered into this article to feel a little bit better about yourself and your life choices. Even higher is the chance that you’ve just called it quits with someone because they do something – trivial or otherwise – that you just can’t get past or overcome. Yes, you are a shit human. The good news, however, is that we all are.
Most of us are searching high and low for that person we can put up with, sometimes for the rest of our lives, and if there’s something morally incorrect or superficially inconceivable getting in the way of that, there’s a high probability of bailing. If you can’t get it out of your fucked-up brain now, will you ever, you know? Cruel to be kind and all of that.
Behold, the pettiest shit people have broken up with someone else because of:
“She had the same name as my sister. I liked her and tried, but I just couldn’t do it.” – Reddit, @iwkyawy
“During sex, her giant dog jumped up on the bed and licked my balls from behind. Freaked me out, and I completely ghosted her after that. We were doing doggy style.” – Reddit, @del_sull
“I dated a guy named Mitch and he couldn’t pronounce ‘ch’. I broke up with him over that fact that he couldn’t say his own name and wouldn’t sort that shit out.” – Lisa Campbell*
“He once came with his eyes open and crossed. Just really freaked me out. I could never get the picture of his face out of my mind after that.” – Reddit, @fortune_cxxkie
“Stopped seeing a guy because he changed his Facebook profile picture too often.” – Jordana Johnson
“My ex’s family was so stingy / tight with small money. The dad would buy him and his wife a double scoop ice cream and then ask for an extra free cup to put the second scoop back in the cup all to save $1-$2. OMG IT WAS TRAGIC.” – Renee
“I had a guy say ‘holy cow’ as he came once. That was it for me.” – Reddit, @toooldforusernames
“When making tea, she didn’t stir it, but clanked the spoon noisily against each side of the cup repeatedly.” – Reddit, @JackXDark
“Her natural aroma. I just couldn’t shake it. It was like a combination of poppers and sweaty feet.” – Reddit, @All_Bonered_UP
“The guy I was with kept sighing when he didn’t know what to say. Also he blinked slowly. It drove me mad.” – Reddit, @PixelPoppah
“My ex had a sit down chat to me about how I farted too much and he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.” – Lucinda Pierce
“She had a permanently sweaty forehead and I didn’t like her accent.” – Reddit, @Whales-
“Dandruff.” – Yahoo Answers, @Singh
“He used water in his cereal instead of milk.” – Reddit, @godhshirma
“She said she was a big Pink Floyd fan. Later, didn’t recognise Pink Floyd on the radio.” – Reddit, @notoriousslacker
“Christmas was like a week away and I didn’t want to buy a gift.” – Reddit, @xwhocares3x
“She had really small teeth, freaked me out.” – Reddit, @grioden
“She pronounced it “supposibly”.” – Reddit, @villainouscobbler
“A guy I was dating shaved his chest and it gave me carpet burn all over my chest. I couldn’t bring it up so just broke up with him instead.” – Matt Livingstone*.
“She smells like soup. Her house, her family, they all smell like soup. I can’t date someone that smells like soup.” – Reddit, @LPcustom01
“A girl I was into openly told me she was ‘needy’, so I cancelled our next date and never spoke to her again.” – Chris Daniel
“He ran weird. We were walking somewhere and realised we needed to get there faster so we started to jog and then eventually run and he just looked soooo ugly running. I hated his stride. When we got to our destination (the skate park, we were 13) he tried to put his arm around me and kiss me and I couldn’t even touch him. He noticed a change of behaviour so I tried to fake it. I ended up breaking up with him that weekend over the phone.” – Reddit, @happystack
“A girl stopped sleeping with me after she perioded on my bed sheets,” – Mitch Wilson*.
“He chewed with his mouth open… loudly. Gross.” – Reddit, @zippyelf
“The underwear was, um, not great.” – Kristy Goodman*.
“He ate chicken wings with a knife and fork…” – Reddit, @AbsolutelyAverage
“He mispronounced words. Drove me crazy. Subtle was one of the words. He said SUB til. I just couldn’t…” – Reddit, @soregular
“She’d ask “what’s up?” all the time and expect an explanation of whatever I was doing… Trying to sleep next to her was a nightmare, I’d roll around slightly to arrange a pillow or whatever the fuck and of course “what’s up?” NOTHING FOR FUCKS SAKE. Every day for some reason she’d ask “what’s up?” I wanted to pull my hair and scraeam [sic] Ahhhhhh!!! Leave me alone bitch.” – Reddit, @bukowski.
“I once broke up with a guy because he legit thought he was a dragon.” – Reddit, @ZephyrNyx
“Every time after we did the boogie he would get out his guitar and sing Oasis and / or The Beatles. Not kidding. Every. Single. Time.” – Lucinda Pierce
“She said Nickelback was modern day Shakespeare.” – Reddit, @nathanb065
“Webbed toes.” – Tracy Lumen*.
Common themes, fellow daters? Mispronunciation, poor hygiene, pre, post and during climax behaviour, lying and just being all-round annoying.
Take a shower, practice your orgasm face in the mirror and get back out there.
Alternatively, find someone who isn’t such a raging, picky asswipe of a human.
Someone out there will love you, farts and all.
Photo: The Hills.
*Names changed for privacy reasons.
