While it really irks me when people put my long-term singledom down to pickiness, it’s probably true (along with a few other reasons). I’m stuck in this weird limbo state of, “Why would I go back to something that didn’t work out for me the first time” and, “I just don’t find myself attracted to those traits.” When I go against my own wisdom and it doesn’t end well, I feel like I should’ve just stuck to being self-aware, you know?
With new dating app Helium hiding things like age (don’t worry, everyone needs to be over 18) and how many kms away from you they are, it got me thinking about what I might open myself up to if I wasn’t letting minor details prevent me from even testing the waters.
So here goes, below’s all the physical and personality traits I’m saying “no” to, even though the person themselves could have me screaming “yes” into the early hours of the morning.
OK fuck, trying to explain this will only ever make me sound like a horrible, superficial she-giant, but I’ll give it a crack. I’m 5’10 which I’ve constantly been told is “quite tall for a girl” and it allows me to get very in my head about it. I also very rarely find myself attracted to someone under 6 foot but, that being said, it has happened, and I probably need to give more people a chance on dating apps and the like. Wearing flats on my wedding day might not be so bad.
This is a weird one. While at 29 it seems fair to avoid going under 20 or over 35, it’s also wild to close myself off to someone who’s 36 just because they’re A DAY over my “limit”. Think about it. It really is a mental thing (within reason, don’t be pervy or, you know, illegal about it.)
How many times have you been on a dating app, seen the distance they live away from you and thought, “Fuck it, too hard”? I do this a lot, which is weird given how willing I am to meet people while interstate. Why do humans make no sense?
I also disregard people on dating apps who are from anywhere other than Australia, because I know how difficult dating someone from overseas would get if things got serious (talking from experience). All your pennies and annual leave would be spent on holidays to see their family. Compromises would need to be made. Too hard basket.
4. Bad grammar
“Ey baby wot u up 2?”
Enough said. I have a journalism degree.
Once you smell, you can’t un-smell. I’m also too much of a coward to have that conversation and open up the relationship to new, fragrance-filled possibilities. I’ll allow Lynx Africa, though. Reminds me of a beautiful, naive time where I wasn’t jaded.
6. Fedoras and vests
True story – I was literally on a dating app the other day and was well ready to start a love story, until I spotted a photo of him wearing a fedora. I just can’t. There’s actually no excuse for this kind of unforgivable behaviour. If fedora-wearing people are reading this, listen to me: stop wearing that shit because this is a common perception and not specific to me.
Same goes for vests – I wouldn’t even fuck a Hemsworth in a vest.
7. Southern Cross tattoos
My ex-boyfriend had one on his back and it just represents high school, fuck-boys and distasteful patriotism to me, really.
8. People who say “good banter”
This is unfortunate because while I appreciate good banter, I do not appreciate those two words coming out of someone’s mouth as a) a pre-requisite or b) a way to describe themselves. It’s just a tad cringe, honey – I don’t make the rules.
9. Any use of a selfie stick
See point 1. Tall people naturally have longer limbs and therefore don’t need selfies sticks. Also selfie sticks are lame. Real lame.
10. Mirror selfies
Also lame. And wanky. Is it really that hard to get a photo of you in a natural, candid setting? Deduct extra points for mirror scum. If you’re going to be a toss, at least be hygienic about it.
11. Lip biting
You’re making me uncomfortable.
Now look, there are other things I profusely hate on dating apps, like photos where they’re decked out in snow gear AND goggles, or they rep board shorts that extend past the knee. However, these are things I can get past. Whereas the above? No-go zone.
If you’re reading this and recognise my name/job/face from a dating app, I apologise for being such a colossal bitch.
But at least now you know why I ghosted you, right?Image: Romy & Michele's High School Reunion