The folks of TikTok are bandwagoning beasts, famously jumping from one trend to another in their eternal quest to roast random, unassuming people until all that’s left is their charred remains. But this time I reckon TikTok has a point because the guy who’s being flamed has the most cursed song on his sex playlist and it’s genuinely reprehensible. My life has not known peace since I learned a human man thrusts to this track.
The banger in question is ‘Cbat‘ by Hudson Mohawke, a glitchy trap classic that genuinely sounds like a mouse having an asthma attack. The squeaks are next level.
The dragging started when TikTok user @redditrave posted one of those vids that’s a Reddit story being retold over a clip of someone playing Minecraft. It’s a noble genre of TikTok video that’s only surpassed by horses and/or cows having their hooves professionally cleaned.
@redditrave Watch until the end 🤣 #reddit #redditstories #redditreadings #askreddit ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
The Redditor shared his sitch in a thread called “Today I Fucked Up”.
“My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off,” he wrote.
“A little back story: when I first started making love I researched ways to be better as I was a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing.
“I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm in order to put on a better performance.”
Let the record show there is absolutely no crime in doing this. Maybe if Will from The Inbetweeners had done a wee bit of research his rendezvous with Charlotte wouldn’t have been such a flop.
he’s a 10 but he fucks you to the hudson mohawke’s cbat every time for 2 years— lucaᵕ̈— sdms (@montecvrlo_) September 2, 2022
Unfortunately, things started going downhill very quickly at this point for the Reddit rooter.
“I searched love making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm,” he continued.
“There are a few songs to my playlist but it’s one song in particular, which actually happens to be my favourite, that my girlfriend hates and says turns her off in a major way.
“I don’t understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song. It’s a good lovemaking song with good rhythm.”
Enduring two years of being pounded to absolutely fucking filthy trap is truly wild to moi. Pour one out for this bloke’s girlfriend who clearly had the patience of a saint.
babe wake up new cbat lore just dropped pic.twitter.com/zFtHHf4GRJ— 🎈 (@ruipopit) September 3, 2022
He went on to say he cooked it by not asking her if she liked the playlist or wanted to change any bops, and he felt “annoyed” that she hadn’t told him how she felt when he thought their sex life was fine and dandy.
He also said he basically played the song every time they railed and had used it with previous partners, but they’d never complained so “maybe it was just her”. The fact there was more than one girl has sent me into orbit.
“It’s messed up the relationship now to be honest because making love feels awkward now,” he continued.
“The other day we were making love with no music but I was still thrusting to the tune playing in my head.
“She recognised this and asked me to stop.”
CBAT is only like 3 minutes long. like did he loop it?— Eprom 🌹 (@eprombeats) September 2, 2022
Except for the rogue as shit track, the fact this bloke’s girlfriend knew he was playing the song in his head based on his rote learned thrusting technique is objectively the funniest thing ever. It must have been such a unique grinding pattern for it to be so recognisable. It wouldn’t surprise me if he hummed the tune like he was singing in the shower.
“I usually bust to this song and find it devastating she hates the song,” he said.
I can’t even begin to comprehend at which point he nutted. TikTok was equally confused, as well as simply being shook by the whole story.
@dark_reunion___ I feel so bad for her… AND HE SAID HE WENT ON BEAT, like WHAT BEAT IM LOSING MY MIND 😂 #ReTokforNature #redditstories #reddit_tiktok #reddit #horrible #horriblehistories ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@flatground she must have been putting on the performance of a lifetime to hide it that long 😭😭 #reddit #redditstories #redditsong #meme #fyp ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@thehannahmichelleNgl i wouldve died laughing if someone played this during spicy♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@magpiefan420 its not an aita post but GIRL NTA LEAVE HIMMMM #reddit #redditstories ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@daphnedelrose my cat loves butt slaps btw #likecatlikeowner #cbat #tifu #cat #catbongo #catslaps ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@zachagu THE POOR GF 😭😭 #reddit #redditstories #askreddit ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
There’s also some truly bizarre lore that Panic! At The Disco frontman Brendon Urie is, in fact, the TikTok thruster.
@missbeifong brendon we know it’s you #patd #panicatthedisco #brendonurie #cbat #reddit #reaction #twitter #news #fyp #theory ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
@constantineswife I’M LITERALLY LAUGHING SO MUCH LMAO I LOVE THE WORLD #brendonurie #reddit #cbat #redditguy #foryoupage #fyp #viral #trend #twitter #panicatthedisco #hudsonmohawke ♬ Cbat – Hudson Mohawke
All I hope is that the bloke, whoever he may be, drops the rest of his root radio. I need to know what else is on repeat.