I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Shrek performing anallingus on Donkey. Fiona lezzing out with that big dragon. I watched Lord Farquaad hanging from cuffs in a torture dungeon laughing maniacally while the Gingerbread Man sucked him off. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in a swamp. Time to die.

What I’m trying to say is I’ve been over exposed to Shrek pornography.

(Editor’s note: This story is, and I simply must stress, phenomenally NOT SAFE FOR WORK.)

Earlier this year, I performed an hour long comedy show as part of Perth’s Fringe World Festival called ‘On Fringe,’ that was in part a reckoning with the cruelty of the arts industry, in part an exaggerated lampoon of my career in the arts and my life as a single father of sons with names like ‘Xbox Kinect’ and ‘Poly Qule’ (dear reader, I have no sons [yet]), and in part a graphic tribute to the horrible yet infinite realm of “””erotic””” (see: perverted) Shrek fan art.

What began as a simple running gag (my character’s powerpoint presentation has accidentally been swapped with his folder of beloved Shrek pornography) became a months long slog of submersion into some of the most graphic and mortifying sexual content made by man.

shrek porn fringe comedy

My producer (oh god Michelle, I’m so sorry!) and I spent a chunk of unpaid time curating the choices cuts of Shrek smut, and then had to perform alongside it while audiences laughed at its novelty and we set ourselves off again down the dark hole to hell that is paved by images of Prince Charming felching Puss N’ Boots and the likes.

As such, and for want of a better word, the sudden influx of Shrek discourse that has accompanied the franchises 20th anniversary this week has been (and I’m sorry to say it) somewhat triggering.

As a dedicated follower of Konstantin Sanislavski, himself a chronic wanker, I found it necessary to immerse myself in the bowels (no pun) of Shrek smut so as to better understand the predilections of my stage persona.

This meant spending a tragic (20 minutes being considered ‘moribund’ by health experts) amount of time on DeviantArt and similar fan-art heavy forums, where the world’s skeeviest individuals put forth poetic tracts about why Shrek is and/or isn’t daddy and why they must draw him pregnant with stinky feet while having his tits sucked by Robin Hood.

“Inflated Shrek just sends me,” said one user.

“The idea of that belly getting bigger…OMG…i want to drool on it !! YUM!!!

“I drew Donkey wounded, desperate, begging for help, with glass in his hooves…he’s crying while Fiona sucks his cock cuz he knows its wrong but its curing his pain…”

“wow so hot / nice job you totally captured his predicament.”

“Imagine Fairy Godmother used magic to make her toes real long so she could wrap them round Shrek’s massive hog (drool emoji).”

(fun fact: the Jennifer Saunders villain from Shrek 2 appears in more Shrek porn than any character beyond the three leads…is this a fun fact?)

Here You Go, Here’s The Worst Of The Shrek Porn I’ve Been Sent

shrek porn fringe comedy
Credit unknown, but if this image belongs to you then please email us: editor@pedestriangroup.com.au
shrek porn fringe comedy
Credit unknown, but if this image belongs to you then please email us: editor@pedestriangroup.com.au

shrek porn fringe comedy
Credit unknown, but if this image belongs to you then please email us: editor@pedestriangroup.com.au
shrek porn fringe comedy
Credit unknown, but if this image belongs to you then please email us: editor@pedestriangroup.com.au

It goes without saying that I no longer see Shrek when I see Shrek, but instead the longings of a million bedroom bound schediaphiliacs who get off on the merest hint of ‘Dreamworks face’.

The ironic tragedy is that my show was somewhat successful, and now the nice folks who came and saw it are compelled to forward me any Shrek-adjacent content they come across in the wild, which is, 9 times out of 10, horny.

Shrek seems more susceptible to this form of appropriation than any of his peers. The progenitor of the non-Pixar 3D animated blockbuster, Shrek is much like the Nike swoosh in that he is beyond brand or icon status, and instead a part of a primordial cultural ID.

His broad focus group appeal, and the honest to god bizarreness of his meteoric success, made Shrek a memetic touchstone that became one of the first ironised images of 2nd generation internet users aka ‘the incredibly online.’

To younger millennials and Gen-Z, he is a much a meme as he is the mascot for a successful movie franchise — one of the first recurring figures in the early wave of YouTube poop, a regular Instagram filter (just this week there’s been an influx of ‘Shrek hugging me’ filters sent to my DMs), accompanied by a soundtrack drop that itself achieved, and continues to hold, iconic meme status.

For me, the perfect jumping off point of Shrek’s downfall — that is, the culture turning on the brand’s innate cynicism and devouring it — remains Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim’s unauthorised press tour for Shrek the Third, in which they madly parrot the glib rhetoric of studio PR cronies and fanboys while coming at Shrek with their trademark brand of worrying over-enthusiasm.

This separation of Shrek from Shrek has allowed him to easily slip into the fap-happy fan-art community with the ease of Sonic the Hedgehog, Frozen‘s Elsa, and teenage Simba from The Lion King.

Still, according to my ‘research’, the biggest debate around Shrek seems to not be over his legacy as a mascot for a decaying Hollywood, but rather:

Is Shrek circumcised?

Folks, a million drawings of slimy Shrek junk later I can finally descend from fap mountain with an answer:

Sometimes (?)

Patrick Marlborough is a writer, journalist, comedian, and musician based in Walyalup/Fremantle, WA. Their past work can be seen here, and their music can be heard here. All their work is overseen by their very bad dog, Buckley. Follow them @cormac_mccafe on Instagram and Twitter, or Patrick Marlborugh Writer/Comedian on Facebook.