Ahhh, the weather. One week we’re being double penetrated by a low-pressure system and the next we’re being reverse cowgirled by humid heat. The only real, scientific guarantee is that the weather is an unpredictable beast. Thanks to forecasts and predictions, however, we can attempt to plan our weeks around its chaos.

Every Friday one of the certified Binches of Meteorology (BoM) at Pedestrian will provide a rather sexy weather update for the weeks to come, so you can avoid lightning when it strikes and embrace the sunshine when it finally decides to arrive. These things are important to know — after all, you can’t take your giant metal rod with you everywhere.

Without further ado, here’s what the weather in Australia is going to look like this week. All data was obtained from Accuweather, Weatherzone and BoM (the real one).

What fucked up weather in Australia are we dealing with this week?

According to the Baddies of Meteorology, Australia has just received her season pass to Wet ‘n’ Wild for the summer. It’s going to be perfect. Perfect except for the fact that some of the rides are on fire. And some of them are whirling around the air. Oh, and some are underwater. Other than that, bellissimo!

A summer of floods, tropical cyclones and prolonged heatwaves awaits us all as summer officially kicks off.

Flood warnings are already out for coastal NSW, South Australia, Victoria, Tasmania and a few parts of Queensland. That doesn’t exactly mean there will be floods in these areas, but areas around rivers are likely to get pretty grisly if it rains hard.

“Many of the rescues completed by our SES volunteers have unfortunately been for people caught in their vehicles by floodwater,” NSW State Emergency Service Commissioner Carlene York told News.com.

“If you need to be on the road in these areas, please plan ahead and in the event you do come across a flooded road then stop, turn around and find another way.”

With all this rain has also come the significant growth of grass. This is why we had such fucked pollen levels in spring and also why fire is a very real risk come the hot and humid months.

“As the warmer weather sets in, the landscape will dry out, increasing the risk of dangerous and fast-moving grass fires,” NSW Rural Fire Service Commissioner Rob Rogers told News.com.

“I am urging people to know [their] risk and familiarise [themselves] with the new Fire Danger Rating System which has been simplified into four levels — Moderate, High, Extreme and Catastrophic — with clear actions for each level.”

Who ever said the weather in Australia was boring?

Sydney, New South Wales

Hey there Sydneysiders! This week you can expect the clouds to be in the sky as the sun takes subtle peeks at us.

You better thank the goddess of the city Delta Goodrem that the summer craziness isn’t starting yet. A week of peace sounds good to me.

Toward the end of the week there’s a good chance of showers, but who doesn’t love a rainy weekend in?

Melbourne, Victoria

I see dark skies Melburnians… dark, dark skies. The week ahead looks lonesome and miserable, shrouded in a thick layer of shadows.

Fortnightly Forecast: Summer Is Here To Fuck Everything Up Like A Pisces At A House Party

The dark clouds should make their appearance towards the end of the week so until then enjoy all of the sunshine your little body can absorb.

Brisbane, Queensland

Brisbaddies, it’s about to become wetter than a Friday night on level four of my apartment. I live on level three and something keeps dripping onto my head at night — could be liquid mould but I’m going to convince myself otherwise!

Anyway, prepare for a whole week of wet fun Brisbinches! Time to give up the glitz and glamour of Brisvegas for a week.

Perth, Western Australia

The gods favour their hottest children, and Perth is a sizzling queen this week. Gorgeous days in the sun, some light cloud coverage, some sporadic winds — what more could you ask for?

Sometimes the weather in Australia offers us some normalcy. Sometimes.

Darwin, Northern Territory

Get ready to burn to a crisp Darwinners with some super toasty days ahead.

There’s some light at the end of the tunnel, however, as a rainy storm comes to cool you all off. Balance. Harmony.

Hobart, Tasmania

A huge chunk of the week ahead will be dominated by nasty rain. The safeword is “time to book that holiday in Fiji”.

Adelaide, South Australia

Don’t let the fact that the skies are going to be pretty cloudy towards the end of the week get you down my Adelads, the sun will still be shining gloriously.

Time to blow up the inflatable pool as it gets warmer outside. Or, maybe you could start doing favours for your neighbour with the giant crystal-blue lake in their backyard they call a pool.

There’s something so torturous about hearing loud water splashes on a super-hot day. That could be you!

Canberra, Australian Capital Territory

Clouds, sun, a storm, clouds and sun again.

Fuckery. But, this is to be expected of Australia’s worst capital city.