We report on a lot of crime stories here at PEDESTRIAN.TV, but nothing could possibly have prepared us for the below news story, such is the sickening, heinous act of depravity it contains.
A grown-ass human man has been dressing up as a minion in broad daylight.
Whilst we were shocked to discover this brazen move is not illegal in and of itself (PLEBISCITE NOW!), the minion man has also been committing more traditional crimes, that of lawn theft, and thus will hopefully face some kind of justice. But not soon enough, in our opinion.
The dastardly act comes to us from the state’s central city of Kalgoorlie, where last week, local grass-owner Brad Nicklin discovered a missing patch of his prized front-garden turf.
Understandably dismayed, Brad pulled up his CCTV footage and, no doubt after telling the computer to “enhance” several times, found this spine-tingling imagery:
Via WAtoday.
Yes, that’s a fully sentient human being dressed as one of the fucked yellow thumb creatures from the Despicable Me movies, shovel in hand, illegally removing a small square of turf in the middle of the day.
Not content with just grand larceny, the sick individual then began to taunt Nicklin, starting a Facebook page called Carl Minion and posting obscene messages and images of ridicule:
CALL THE FBI IMMEDIATELY.
HE’S EVEN WATERING IT THE MONSTER!
Speaking to WAtoday, Brad actually seems to be taking the aggravated lawn assault fairly well:
We couldn’t stop laughing. I’ve got a funny feeling it’s one of my mates because I sent a Snapchat earlier that weekend saying how good my grass was! All in good fun, but my beautiful lawn!
What we can gather from this is that Brad is under duress and there is a LOT more to this story than is being reported.
Tune in next week for the first episode of our 12-part podcast series, ‘TURFED!‘ in which we promise to get to the bottom of this cowardly, inhuman act.
Hug your loved ones close tonight, mates.
