If It’s A Crime To Be Thicc, Throw This Yowie In Ass Jail

It’s no secret that we here at P.TV love Bigfoot. We simply cannot get enough of him. It might even be true that we love him too much, that our fascination with this beautiful hairy North American cryptid is blinding us to the beautiful hairy cryptid in our own backyard: the humble Yowie. Well, not today. Allow us to bring to your attention this Yowie with a big, juicy ass:

Photo: AAP / Dean Harrison.

This (frankly, beautifully rendered) sketch depicts a Yowie reportedly spotted in November of last year by a truck driver who wished to be known only as ‘Gary‘. This Yowie and its respectable badonkadonk took Gary by surprise one morning while he was driving his truck on a delivery near Witheren in the Gold Coast hinterland. From his account on the Australian Yowie Research website:

It was just after 10am in the morning and I was coming down the hill. I started coming around a sharp right hand corner and I thought I saw a boulder fall off the embankment onto the road. I’ve hit the brakes to stop so I didn’t hit this rock, and it stood up. It wasn’t a rock at all.

I managed to skid to a stop just before it and this thing just stood up in the right hand gutter and had already started stepping out on the road as I was skidding. It ended up standing right in the middle of my bonnet in front of me.

Gary described the Yowie as being, in no uncertain terms, pretty big:

It was hairy, I could see through its hair. I could see its navel. It had hair all over it about 2” long. From its lips to its eyebrows, it had no hair. It had a round face, a bit like a chimpanzee. The eyes were dark – it was dark around the eyes and had black eyes but with a hazel colour around the pupil. It had a flat nose like it had been a boxer. I could see its ears, it didn’t have any hair on its ears. Its head looked too small for its body. The head seemed to look pushed forward like it was growing off the top of its chest, rather than off the top of the shoulders. The hair was a really dark brown with a reddish tinge to it, and matted. It was really big, it was huge. I could see its belly button above the bonnet of my truck and the top of the bonnet is 6ft off the ground. So its bellybutton was about 6ft high. I had the visor down and had to duck down to look up to see its face.

Gary’s attempts to gender the beast were not conclusive:

It had big pectoral muscles, they weren’t breasts. I couldn’t see any penis at all. It was within a metre of the front of the truck, so I couldn’t see that low. I could only see from the bellybutton up. When he walked off I could only see the rear end of him. His butt was covered in hair also.

In an interview with AAP, Gary said that he was unable to capture the creature on film, as his dashcam was being serviced that day and he did not have enough time to reach for a camera: “The whole thing lasted for five seconds, and you are staring this monster in the face watching it to make sure it isn’t going to step around at you. You are scared for your life, not grabbing for a camera.

All this is beside the point, as far as we’re concerned. What we are concerned about is the loving detail granted to the wagon this Yowie was draggin’: