This year’s run-up to the US presidential election has been especially ludicrous, even by American standards. In the Blue corner, we’ve seen a crotchetty-cool ideologue in Bernie Sanders put up a unironically impressive fight against the sleek, pristinely-formed candidate Hillary Clinton; in the Red corner… well. Trump. We needn’t say more. 

At this late stage of the game, the Great Orange One only has one real challenger for the Republican nomination, and that man is the dildophobic, gun-totin’, capital-C Conservative Ted Cruz. A man so utterly detested by those that know him personally, his college roommate became known for his anecdotes:


Fast-forward a few months, and even retired Republican heavyweight John Boehner (pronounced Bay-ner, TYVM) has had a crack, labelling the bloke “Lucifer in the flesh,” and claiming “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

Satanists: Please Don’t Compare Ted Cruz To Lucifer, He’s Way Worse

Reminder: those words came tumbling out of the mouth of the guy who has spent the best part of a decade trying to tank Barack Obama’s major policies. A guy who is more than likely the G Man from Half-Life. And they’ve been directed at a dude on his own team. Who isn’t Donald Trump.

Welp, today, the world finally reached the peak of this hateful new mountain, ’cause after that whole Lucifer comparison, honest-to-God Satanists have formally distanced themselves from Cruz. As in, a cadre of humans who nominally dedicate their lives to the exact opposite of Christ-like characteristics want nought to do with Cruz. Nada. Zip. 

In a fiery statement that attacks Christianity as much as it does the prominent Texan senator, the Satanic Temple’s Lucien Greaves – what, did you expect someone named Clarence? – responded to the comparison, saying “Boehner’s comment is illustrative of how well past time it is to adjust our mythologies to reflect our realities.”

“Cruz’s failures of reason, compassion, decency, and humanity are products of his Christian pandering, if not an actual Christian faith. 

It grows tedious when pedophile priests and loathsome politicians are conveniently dismissed as Satanic, even as they spew biblical verse and prostrate themselves before the cross, recruiting the Christian faithful. 

Satanists will have nothing to do with any of them.”

There you have it. The race for the Republican berth is between an IRL assemblage of overblown, hedonistic tropes and a guy so evil even the Satanists won’t claim him. What a time to be alive. 

Source: Raw Story / Patheos. 
Photo: Win McNamee – Getty.