Pesky Millennials Don’t Use Fabric Softener & Boomers Are Just So Confused

 

Us Millennials™ cop a lot of shit, but we do like our fancy things every now and then. Y’know, like a tasty avocado sourdough brunch at a inner-city cafe, or a smartphone that that we fundamentally need to do our entry-level-but-expects-the-work-of-a-senior-staff-member job that we studied 3+ years for and will pay us $35k a year for the foreseeable future. 

It’s the finer things in life, guys. 

However, one thing that we have sacrificed (obviously because this self-indulgent generation is too busy spending all our YUGE disposable income on drugs!! And alcohol!! And partying!11! God, we’re just the most luxurious little shits, AMIRITE) is fabric softener. 

It turns out we’re not fans of spending more money than we have to on laundry, or adding even more sickly sweet-smelling chemicals to the clothing that sit on our bodies all day. We’re just not keen. 

Companies that produce fabric softener, like Procter & Gamble Co. are pretty bloody worried. They’ve had declining rates for a while, but they’ve clocked a reeeeeal steep drop-off since old mate Gen Y learned how to use a washing machine. 

Their concerns were published in a Wall Street Journal story, and it’s honestly a wild ride. 

With Downy sales down 26%, P&G tries a new pitch: It’s not fabric softener, it’s “fabric conditioner.”https://t.co/hrldojBsnd pic.twitter.com/fLAGtPLisu

— Marcelo Prince (@marcelolprince) December 16, 2016

They reckon it’s partially because we purposely chose types of clothing that don’t need softener. Like, athleisure clothing for example.

Rise of athleisure = death of fabric softener https://t.co/C8Hj4caRAV pic.twitter.com/X11LAzuOco

— Sara Germano (@germanotes) December 16, 2016

However, they’re also considering changing the name to ‘fabric conditioner’ because (and here’s the bloody kicker) they actually believe that millennials “don’t know what [fabric softener] is for.”

Are… are they serious? Christ, of course we bloody know what it’s for. It’s right there in the name. We just know it isn’t damn well necessary. 

Twitter has been dumbfounded by the story, too:

*Story about how sales trends are changing over time, so company finds a way to blame millennials for it* https://t.co/4gFRgE0KIk

— Alex Booker (@alexbooker) December 16, 2016

I KNOW what it is but dont need xtra chemicals and have sensitive skin. Stop blaming #Millennials its gotten old ?? https://t.co/k3G8LQR96z

— Laura Anne (@LauraAnneNY) December 17, 2016

I admit it: I’m a stereotypical millennial who’s hurting P&G sales because I don’t get the point of fabric softener. https://t.co/cvBu2zWxjd

— Sarah Halzack (@sarahhalzack) December 16, 2016

that millennial consumption habits are a full-on crisis for $225 billion company is kinda amazing https://t.co/sHbpNR1P5Z

— Matthew Zeitlin (@MattZeitlin) December 16, 2016

1. Yes they do. 2. No one needs fabric softener. 3. Some product categories deserve to die. https://t.co/TuAtJQmOLO

— Nancy Friedman (@Fritinancy) December 16, 2016

The dreaded millennials are at it again, disrespecting their elders’ beliefs in superfluous laundry chemicals. https://t.co/j2JzI3x7H6

— Noah Blundo (@nblundo) December 16, 2016

Millennials, who know no God other than their own self indulgence, have turned their backs on fabric softener https://t.co/jHZIytpKeq pic.twitter.com/HSEC86QP7z

— Tom Gara (@tomgara) December 16, 2016

@WSJ yup, nothin to do with fabric, washing machine & detergent improvements, us millennials just love changin shit to mess with you guys

— Lords of Nardtown (@Nard_ddog) December 16, 2016

@WSJ because we’re all too fucking poor

— Gregor Cunningham (@night_geist) December 16, 2016

So, the boomers running the laundry industry seem mighty confused, and they seem rather concerned about the roughness of our clothing and the starchiness of our towels. 

Honestlyyyyyy, calm down Jeanette, our towels are bloody fine and we’re more concerned about our terrifyingly-high sodium intake from all the $1 packets of mi goreng we ingest to be able to pay our rent. 

Self-indulgence, thy name is definitely not ‘millennial’.