Look, don’t get me wrong, I love News.com.au. They have the stuff that’s slightly too trashy for even us to run, while still somehow managing to pass themselves off as a news website – frankly, anyone who has their domain name as just the word “news” is ballsy as hell, and I respect that.
Like all of us, they love tragic news, large-scale fuck-ups, and yarns about animals doing weird shit. What they don’t appear to love, is tattoos. Or, at least, tattoos being used for promotional material.
As you might recall, Sydney beer-slingers Young Henrys have been running a promo where they’ll chuck you a $200 bar tab if you get some tattoo flash with a mate.
Pretty cool right? Tattoos are rad, bodies are temporary, and, at $50 a tattoo, you’ve come out with a net gain of $100 worth of beer (the most magical drink in the world) – not to mention, a less boring body.
Except it’s not cool, actually, it’s “so disastrous you can’t not share it“, according to News.com.au, who somehow managed to type an entire article while clutching their pearls so tightly it cut off the circulation to their hands.
According to them, Young Henrys is a “hipster brewery” and “a favourite among Newtown 20-somethings and pretty much anyone else sporting an outdated beard“. It’s unclear whether they mean outdated as in “beards belong in the early 1900s” or if they just ruled that society is now done with beards, but either way, excuse me if I don’t take my fashion advice from a Rupert Murdoch publication.
They’re pretty bloody unhappy with the entire concept:
“So let’s get this straight: even if you and your mate do trek to one of these parlours, and pay $50 each, you’re really looking at a $100 beer tab. A measly $100 beer tab for a terrible lifelong tattoo.“Oh! And the humiliation doesn’t stop there.“In order to get your beer, you then have to take a selfie of the two of you — faces included so your shameful decision is front and centre for the social media universe to see — and post the photo to Instagram, tagging the Young Henrys’ account and the hashtag #betterwithmates.”
It’s not for me to say whether the author of the piece has, in their past, gotten a regrettable beer tattoo, or at some stage they had their feelings hurt by someone with a beer tattoo, but it’s hard to tell if they’re more outraged at the concept of having something permanently on your body, or that you have to take a photo of it.
I’m fairly certain if someone said “Hey mate, here’s $100 worth of beer if you take a selfie.“, I would take a photo of any part of my body (literally, any) and hashtag it with just about anything they asked, up to and including #IHaveASmallBadPenis.
They also reckon it’ll be a huge drag going to the pub, because no one will be able to figure out your half-a-love-heart tattoo – don’t worry about it, though: “you won’t be at the pub, because the traumatic experience of getting this put on your body will no doubt turn you off beer for life.“
Yep, I’m sure getting a very small tattoo of a beer jug will absolutely level you.
They also included photo examples of the poor souls who have been so horrendously scarred by this experience and, well, they look pretty dope?
What a beautiful friendship.
In summary, they gave the Henrys team some sage advice / a gentle neg:
“Log off, Young Henrys. Your beer’s not half bad, but your promo team needs work.”
Log off, News.com.au. Your articles aren’t half bad, but your whole ~thing~ needs work.
Source: News.com.au.
Photo: Instagram / Matt Kook.
