You guys. This is an insane yarn. It’s been born from video chat drinks I attended on my dinner break, and yes I am about two wines deep which is enough for me to be inspired to do… insane yarns.
My friend went on a socially isolated park date. That’s where you exercise with someone you’re romantically interested in, but you stay a safe 1.5 metres apart, and don’t kiss/touch/hug or anything.
This led to a tipsy convo about what you could and couldn’t do on an exercise date. Which led to the question – could you give a handjob, using one of these arm extender thingies:
Attached to a fleshlight.
Say that scary plastic shark is 1.5 metres long, right? And then if it was holding a fleshlight – could you give a handjob to someone and it’s legal?
I’ve become so obsessed with this concept, that I now need to investigate it for an hour.
Let’s start with the universal rule that you can’t get your bits out in public legally, especially not to participate in public sexual acts. So there’s strike one – you’d have to be in a private area, so this only works if you own acreage, or a farm or something.
Then, we’re going to have to break it down state-by-state. I’m going to use this Guardian article as a guideline, because they are smart and frankly, I can’t be fucked looking at each government website.
1. NSW
Okay so first up, you’re not meant to leave your house unless it’s for exercise. But we already deduced that you can’t give a 1.5m wristie in public anyway, right?
On to the having-guests-over bit. Turns out in NSW, you can’t have anyone over to socialise.
VERDICT: No 1.5m handjobs.
2. QLD
Guess what – in QLD you’re allowed to have 1-2 social guests. I’m a tiny bit confused as to whether this only applies to people living alone.
In early April, the Queensland premier, Annastacia Palaszczuk, said that inside a person’s home they were allowed to have all the members of the household and two guests.
Palaszczuk said this amendment is intended to help families who may not all live in the same home to stay connected. She also clarified that those who live alone are allowed to have one or two social guests.
But ok, let’s say you live alone, on acreage. You probably can have someone come over for a 1.5m fleshlight wristie, as long as you stay that distance away from each other and don’t shorten it at any point.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
3. NT
The NT are being pretty chill – they’ve just got a 10-person max rule in place. But! They’re being very clear that they expect everyone to maintain social distancing, even if socialising.
This means if you have acreage, you can have your wristie friend over. But you, as always, have to stay 1.5 metres apart.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
VIC
Firstly, you’re allowed to visit romantic partners – so there’s that. You’ve also got a two-person rule that exempts people in your household, so you could technically have a wristie buddy over to your house even if they’re not a romantic partner.
But, as always, the social distancing rules apply. You can’t have that buddy over and then start making out once the shark-extender-handjob was done, sweetie.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
4. TAS
Tassie has the two-person inside or outside the home rule in place – this means if you live alone, you can have one other person over. But you couldn’t have a hookup come over if you have housemates.
However! If you have a romantic partner, they’re allowed to come over as they count as “social support”.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
5. WA
As with Tassie, the two-person rule applies – but households are allowed one guest over. That means if you live with your parents or in a sharehouse, you’re allowed one guest! Unless your housemate or mum already has a guest, then you can’t have a guest.
What this all means is the 1.5m handjob can work.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
6. ACT
So at first it was like, wow ACT being really casual about all of this – they have a two additional guest rule per household. BUT! They have a special, extra rule that is going to make it impossible to give those 1.5m handjobs.
“As long as there is still at least four square metres per person indoors.”
Unless you’ve got a 4.5m long shark hand, you’re not getting any.
VERDICT: No 1.5m handjobs.
7. SA
Like the NT, SA hasn’t got enforced two-person rules in place. You still have to abide by social distancing, but the only infringement is for gatherings of over ten people.
So that means if you have a socially distanced handjob, you good.
VERDICT: Yes to 1.5m handjobs, as long as you maintain social distancing.
I need to say at the end here that this is ALL extremely tongue-in-cheek, in case you didn’t get that. While technically a 1.5 metre away handjob classifies as legal in many states, as long as you’re not in public – it’s still probably not logistically sound and I do not in any way recommend you try it.
But it’s fun to think about, no?
