A gardener from Knockrow, near Ballina in northern NSW, has set the record for the chonkiest pumpkin in the Southern Hemisphere. And I’m jealous of it.

Dale Oliver‘s substantial squash was weighed on Saturday at the Summerland Pumpkin Competition at Kyogle, where it clocked 867kg.

The previous Southern Hemisphere record holder was Oliver’s South African nemesis (we assume) Piet Lotz, whose big orange veggie weighed in at 860kg last year. However, the previous Aussie record of 743kg was also held by Oliver.

“There’s a lot of work in them with pruning and fertilising and getting soil tests,” Oliver told the ABC about his most recent record-breaking Atlantic pumpkin.

“There’s a lot of science in it.”

But perhaps what he didn’t mention was the TLC and dedication needed to turn but a humble seed in to this leviathan of vegetables looming over northern NSW.

Look at how the man stands with his prized possession. A proud father, showing off his big oaf of a pumpkin son to the whole wide world.

To be a pumpkin on a pallet at vegetable weighing competition. What a life.

I’m literally envious of a vegetable. GOD I wish I were that pumpkin.

Anyway.

Oliver’s new record was certified by the Australian Giant Pumpkins and Vegetables Supporters (AGPVS) society.

Yes, that’s a real organisation formed in 1996, and yes, they take their records very seriously.

Not only do they break down record-breaking giant pumpkins (historically known as “mammoth pumpkins”) by state, but they also track records for things like avocados, carrots, chilies, onions and pretty much anything else you can think of.

Incidentally, the record for Australia’s heaviest green squash is also held by Oliver, because of course it is.

While some people, including many founding members of the AGPVS society, choose to eat their gargantuan garden harvests, Oliver said that he’ll be feeding his pumpkin to his cattle, which is apparently the more common course of action.

Does its inevitable fate bother me? Not at all. I’m still jealous of it and I still wish it was me being weighed at the Summerland Pumpkin Competition.

A boy can dream.