Picture this: you have achieved the height of majesty, beauty and refinement. You’re considered a goddess among mortals. Everyone wants to be around you and everyone wants to be you. You’re well fed and sleep for hours in Norway’s Oslo Fjord while people clamour around just to get a glimpse of your glory. Well, this is the reality for Freya the walrus, our dignified new overlord.
After being sighted in the UK, Sweden, Denmark and the Netherlands, Freya the Walrus (aptly named after the Norse goddess of love and beauty) has claimed residency in Norway.
Her recent heavenly endeavour has been to sink the pleasure boats of mortals in Kragero. We do not know why she seeketh destruction, nor what righteous cause she is meting out punishment for, but by Odin’s beard we trust in her.
Truly, Freya is living a life most of us could only dream of having. She reportedly weighs around 600kg, meaning she’s eating good and living RIGHT. She has also been spotted sleeping for up to 20 hours a day on the boats. As if you wouldn’t want the life she’s leading. She’s a queen. She’s an icon. She’s the moment.
If you’d like to see goddess Freya in action, cast your lights upon the glory that is this mortal footage. Be warned that the camera couldn’t capture the divine rays beaming from her face. Celestial magnificence transcends any modern filming device.
If this footage of Freya sinking ships and taking dips isn’t enough for you, newspaper Verdens Gang has set up a livestream of the plump princess that updates all the time.
No longer will I have to look for a fun video to watch while eating my silly little dinners, I can just put on this livestream and giggle at Freya’s sacred ship-sinking glory. In a god-fearing way, of course.
“She is doing well, feeding, resting and seems to be in good condition,” Norway’s Directorate of Fisheries said in a statement.
“[She] is not necessarily as slow and ham-fisted as one might think when she is resting.
“A walrus is not normally a danger to humans as long as you keep a safe distance. But if it is disturbed by humans and doesn’t get the rest it needs, it may feel threatened and attack.”
You heard the directorate of fishies, leave the queen alone. She’s vibing, thriving, staying in her lane — and you should be too.